I went to bed at 9pm last night. Was really tired. I fell right asleep. Woke up around 12am to pee. Fell right back asleep. Woke up around 4:30am feeling rested but went back to bed and slept until my alarm went off at 5:40am. In a better mood today than yesterday. Still feeling a little bit down but not as bad as yesterday. Kept busy at work and only thought a little about my fat thighs.

Ok it's still Tuesday and this has nothing to do with sleep but with my mood in general. I just got off the treadmill pretty much in tears because when i was walking on it during my cool down for my half ass 1.5 mile run that i did when i said (to myself) that i was going to run 3 miles I could feel my thighs touching each other. I always gain weight in my butt/thighs and my face although now i have a tummy too and i've never had that before. The more weight i gain the further down my thighs touch. I cannot even express how much this repulses me. It is an all day constant reminder that i have gained weight and i feel like such a fucking loser for gaining weight. I haven't been able to think about anything but my fat ass thighs all day because the jeans i wore were tight around my thighs and i just bought them two months ago and while i suppose it's no surprise to gain weight over the holidays and it happens to most people I still just feel like such a miserable complete fucking failure for letting myself gain weight. I knew i was going to gain weight because of the insane amount of cookies i was eating and also because i was just generally overeating and eating til i was absolutely stuffed all the time but the thing is that I do not have a scale and if I did i probably wouldn't use it anyway because seeing that i gained even half a pound causes me to have a total nervous breakdown so anyway i don't really monitor my weight other than by how my clothes feel and it takes a few weeks for me to see/feel the repercussions of all that junk food/overeating and then it feels like it came on all at once and i can't stand the way i look or feel or how my clothes fit. I have literaly spent like 90% of the day thinking about my thighs. the thought never went away. When i was in the conference room setting up training stuff i was thinking about it. when i was in boss's office trying to cross my legs i was thinking about it. when i was sitting on the toilet i was thinking about it. I feel like my f'ing thighs are always going to be ugly. I hate myself for caring about it. I remember my mom being obsessed with her thighs and always looking at them in the mirror and constantly doing leg exercises and trying to make them look better but they never really looked good. i mean i only remember what they looked like when she was in her mid 40s and she was really in pretty good shape and worked out almost every day, sometimes twice a day, and constantly watched what she ate and yet never had nice thighs. is this going to be my fate? It won't matter how much i diet or exercise I will just have a saggy, bumby butt and fat ass thighs for the rest of my life? Why do i waste my time working out? I know i have been making progress working out as i have increased my weights on a lot of the exercises i do and yesterday I made it way further into my kettlebell dvd than i ever have and am not even as sore today. plus i have done some type of work out every day for the last 4 days, more on saturday and monday than on Sunday and today, but still it's something and i have plans to walk with julia on thursday and i have been really good about eating healthier and i have not had one single piece of junk food at work and have really improved a lot on what i eat at home although not as much as i need to. I know i should be more positive. I think it's really fucking unfair that jesse ate just as many cookies as i did and probably more and his pants still fit. I hate myself for having no self control and for caring about this and for being negative like this when I should be being positive. I dont know if this breakdown is because i didn't get enough sleep last night or because i decreased my meds but i dont think either of those things is helping anything because i am sitting at the kitchen table crying about my thighs touching each other when everything in my life is really the best its ever been and yet all i can think about it is my thighs. i need to stop being so ungrateful. I just think i would be happier if i were thinner and i also think that i lack the willpower to get thinner and i also fear that i will get pregnant and gain a whole bunch of weight that i'll never lose and i'll turn into one of those out of shape people who i never wanted to be. i am even putting off going to cancun on vacation because i dont think my shorts fit and i am afraid i will look gross in my swim suit and fat in the pictures and that i will eat too much when i am there and gain more weight. PATHETIC.

Tuesday. I had no problem falling asleep last night. Read until I fell asleep about 10pm. Woke up about 1:45am to pee and shut off the lights. Jesse came to bed then and started snoring really loud and every time I dozed off he woke me up again. I woke him up 3 times and finally gave up and went out to the couch. Didn’t fall back asleep again until after 3am. Reset alarm for 6:00am instead of 5:50am and hit the snooze twice when it went off. Was 5 minutes late to work but that was because the roads were bad and traffic was going 20mph on 53. I am not too tired today but a little crabby because my jeans are tighter than I want them to be. I feel like I have been moody so far this week.

It’s Monday. I went to bed on time last night. Fell asleep reading right about 10pm. Got up too pee and shut the lights off about 1:45am and fell right back asleep. Still sound asleep when my alarm went off at 5:50am. Hit the snooze twice. Tired and crabby today!

It's Sunday morning. I slept well last night. I slept longer than normal, about 9 hours, but I was exhausted from working out last night. I ran 2.75 miles and also lifted weights. Managed to stay up until about 11 - 11:30 but was falling asleep watching True Blood so I went to bed. Woke up once to pee around 6am and went back to sleep until 9am.

It's Saturday morning and I slept good last night. Went to bed about 11:30 and slept til 7:30. Slept good the night before too and and was in a much better mood on Friday than on Thursday, so my foul mood on Thursday was probably just due to being over tired/exhausted from working out and not due to the change in medication. Yay :-)

UGH

Ok, I’ve been slacking off about writing in this blog. The last few nights I’ve slept pretty well and have been feeling pretty rested. Except today. I slept fine last night but today I am very tired, which I am assuming is from TKD last night because I am also very sore. And very cranky. Last week I had some problems falling asleep and then I was tired the next day and didn’t feel like writing in the blog. Which is very counterproductive because that’s exactly why I started the blog, to keep track of when I don’t sleep well. Anyway, I have had some changes since the last time I wrote. On 1/11/11 I decreased my Celexa from 20mg a night to 15mg a night. This hasn’t seemed to affect my sleep at all. I also hadn’t noticed any changes in my mood until last night when I became very crabby. I am not entirely sure that has anything to do with the change in medication though. I was really tired after TKD and have been working OT this week and have not been home much and would really just like a day to relax. I was also (and still am) very frustrated with how out of shape I am and I am not entirely sure that I want to continue at TKD again because I am not sure that I am all that interested in learning (re-learning) all the stuff that goes with the fun kicking part, like forms and walking basics and blah blah blah. I also couldn’t find the same aggression in me that I used to have when free sparring and I mostly just wanted it to be done. UGH. I am tired and sore and cranky today!!

Oh I also got different pajamas and they are not as hot as the ones I had been wearing and that seems to help me be comfortable too.