Well I haven't written for a while. For the most part I have been sleeping pretty well. Wednesday night I didn't sleep well, but I think that was a combination of having drank a lot of coke zero before bed, being really mad at my obnoxious, immature sister in law (thanks to an uncalled for nasty phone call from her) and being away from home (staying at a hotel in the dells for a union conference). I find that I really have to make an effort to control what I think about because if I am at all upset about anything I start obsessing about it and then can't sleep. Anyway today is my birthday and it has been a really good day so far. Yesterday I had a really fun day with Julia shopping in the cities and also had a lot of fun at Tim's house for the fights. Today and yesterday have been much better than the past two weeks. I have really been making an effort not to read or talk about all the political drama. I'm sure some people would frown on this but I can't let myself obsess about it or I get really angry, depressed, and can't sleep. Anyway also the dr said I can start taking prenatal vitamins. I think I start on 3/1. I hope they don't make me sick!

Thursday. I slept better last night. I was really stressed out and depressed all day yesterday because of all this crap at work. When I got home Jesse and I laid down to take a nap but I couldn’t fall asleep because I felt like there was this all consuming, ever present thought in my head about this budget stuff. It wasn’t like running thoughts, just like a presence or a cloud. I decided I absolutely have to stop this. Just saying to myself “stop thinking about it” doesn’t do any good. I have to replace those thoughts with other thoughts. So I began making a huge effort to think about positive things instead. It did help me get into a better mood and I was able to fall asleep and sleep all night (just got up once to pee).

Wednesday. Yesterday was a stressful day. This stuff at work about the budget bill is really weighing me down. Everyone talks about it non-stop at work. I went to a protest yesterday. Got in a Facebook argument about it with someone about it. Jesse and I argued about it when I got home. I didn’t sleep well because I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I feel like a cloud has been hanging over me since last Friday when this was all announced. I was in a bad mood although Jesse tried to cheer me up by watching a movie with me. I tried to go to bed around 9:30. I read til I got drowsy but when I put my book down I couldn’t fall asleep. Laid there til about 11pm when Jesse traded me the couch for the bedroom and I tried to sleep on the couch. Still couldn’t fall asleep. Read for a little while and as soon as I tried to read I got tired again so I turned the light off and tried to sleep but all the thoughts about the budget stuff came back. Tried to read some more and was able to fall asleep after getting more drowsy after reading a few pages. But I had to make a conscious effort to stop thinking about it. Started naming things in my head to be thankful for. I had kind of a fitful sleep, woke up several times, not to pee or anything. I did feel in somewhat of a better mood when I woke up those times than I did when I was first trying to fall asleep. Made up my mind not to spend the day thinking about all of this, but of course we had a meeting at 8am today for an hour to talk about the all the changes that are/could be coming, with people going on about how next year, next budget, whatever we should expect pay cuts, etc. What the F do I work here for anyway? Now I’m probably going to have to look for a new job, because I know I am not to be happy working at a place where I know I’ll never get ahead no matter how hard I work. I am just so disappointed in all of this when I finally got a job that I like better and can be happy with. I am kind of holding back tears at my desk now.

Tuesday. Did not get enough sleep last night. Went to bed at a good hour and fell asleep reading. Woke up to pee at about 11:30pm. Checked to see if Jesse had fallen asleep and needed to be woken up to come to bed but he was still up. I went back to sleep with no problem until Jesse came in and threw his blanket on top of me. I woke up then and couldn’t fall back to sleep because he laid down and started snoring. Was awake for about an hour and a half before I got up and went out to the couch.  It took me a while to fall back asleep on the couch. Even after I woke Jesse up and he stopped snoring I couldn’t fall back asleep because I was afraid he’d start snoring again and I couldn’t stop thinking about how on earth I will ever get any sleep once we have kids because obviously I won’t be able to sleep with ear plugs then and even with ear plugs in Jesse’s snoring keeps me awake. So I laid awake envisioning nights of getting up to feed and check on a baby, laying back down to try to sleep and being kept awake by snoring.  Got up to a full day of crap dealing with our stupid governor’s ideas about our budget and everyone (including me) being angry about it, going to a protest, bitching someone out on facebook, and arguing with jesse about all of it after I got home. I am in a bad mood, close to tears, and fearful that I won’t be able to sleep again tonight.

Hello Monday.

I have slept fine the past few nights. Friday night we went out to eat and I was really full and had two drinks and went to bed at like 10pm. I slept til almost 10am. Saturday I went to bed laid, at like 1am because I had gone out to a bday party (although I wanted to be home much earlier. Oh well). I got up around 9:30 on Sunday. Felt tired on Sunday. Went to sleep about 10pm Sunday night, woke up about 5:20am today. Didn’t go back to sleep but laid in bed til 6am.

Have been in kind of a bad mood the last several days due to stuff that’s going on at work with benefit cuts amounting to pay cuts, etc. It is really stressing me out. Like the kind where you wake up from sleeping and for a minute can’t remember that you were upset about something but then you remember what it was. Saturday I got really angry about it, then chopped onions for food while I was mad and ended up cutting my finger kinda bad. Oh well, that’s what I get for not paying attention to what I was doing and having an immature fit. Of course after I started bleeding all over I had a major emotional meltdown, more due to pay cuts than my finger. Was exhausted all day from my emotional outbursts. Felt kind of down by Sunday evening. Feeling better today but still getting stressed out by the constant news/drama/conflict of what’s going on with the governor and the unions, etc.

Made an appt with the doctor next week to follow up on the reduction in my anti depressants and also discuss weird spots/skin stuff by my eye (I hope it’s not cancer), and also that I am 99% sure I have tennis elbow, that my eye has not stopped twitching for almost three weeks now, taking prenatal vitamins and getting pregnant this summer.

It’s Thursday. Payday. Yay! I am in a pretty good mood today. I went to bed early again, around 9:30pm. I slept fine and woke up this morning at 5:20am. I didn’t go back to sleep but laid in bed until my alarm went off at 5:50am. I got up right away and made it into work half an hour early. My neck/shoulders are extremely sore today and I have no idea why. I must’ve slept funny or something. My eye is still twitching but maybe not as much? Ok well that’s all for now.

It’s Wednesday. It has officially been a week since I reduced the Celexa from 15mg to 10mg. I have not had any problems sleeping. Last night I went to bed really early, around 8pm. I got up to go to the bathroom around 11pm and 3am and went back to sleep without problem each time. I was still sleeping when my alarm went off at 5:50am.

Yesterday I felt like I had tons of energy and just needed to find something to do (other than work of course) but then when I got home I took a hot shower and felt more relaxed. I started to feel a little bummed out though because of not having anything to do (that I actually wanted to do). I think winter is starting to get on my nerves. I want to be outside, but not when it’s -10. I want it to be nice outside so I can walk the dog and run outside and ride the four wheeler in the yard.

Also, I need a project. I have booked the trip to Cancun but that’s two months away. I decided which car I want to buy but that’s at least a year away until I can really even start looking for one to buy. We are going to get pregnant, but probably not for at least 6 months. I need something to research and plan.

On a good note, I have lost a little weight. Two people have commented about it to me. My jeans are also fitting noticeably better. I am enjoying that, but pretty much still think constantly about eating. I want to binge on brownie mix, cookie dough, peanut butter blossom cookies, papa johns pizza, candy, and a giant steak. Oh, and some more of that lasagna from olive garden would be nice too! Oh well, not today!  

Overall though I am feeling good. I made three actual meals this week, with actual ingredients, not from a box or the freezer.

Ok it’s Tuesday now. I am feeling very antsy today. Not anxious, just like the day is going by slowly and I don’t feel like being at work or working on any of the stuff I’m supposed to be doing. There’s nothing I have in mind that I would like to be doing instead, other than just wasting time at home doing whatever I want. I slept fine again last night. Fell asleep reading in bed about 10:15 or so. Woke up once to go to the bathroom and then I work Jesse up to come to bed because he fell asleep on the couch. I was sound asleep when my alarm went off at 5:50am. Laid there for ten minutes or so before getting up. Felt plenty rested once I got over my usual “don’t want to get out of bed and what excuse can I possibly make up so as not to have to go to work today or to be able leave early” phase. My eye is still twitching. I need to make an appt for a physical. I want to the talk to the doctor about my tennis elbow, my eye twitching, the weird white spots around my left eye that look like they should be zits I can pop but they aren’t, when I should start taking prenatal vitamins.

Ok, it’s Monday 2/7/11. I went to bed about 9:45pm last night and read til about 10:30pm. I didn’t fall asleep reading. I put my book down and took my glasses off and laid down. I fell asleep with no problem. Woke up around 4:45am to pee and could have probably gotten up then but I just can’t ever convince myself to get up earlier than I have to, especially to go to work. Fell back asleep for another hour and got up about 10 minutes after my alarm went off. After my initial “I don’t wanna get up” haze I felt pretty rested. All indications are that I will be able to sleep with only 10mg of Celexa. Yay! I haven’t been nauseous since last Thursday. Have had more energy. My eye is still twitching though.

Well it's Sunday. I slept well again last night. About 9 hours. I have had a lot of energy this weekend. I dont know if it has to do with the change in medication or if it's just that I have finally grown sick of laying on the couch all the time, but I have been doing productive stuff for the first time in weeks. I did laundry, worked out (only a little but better than nothing) went grocery shopping, got papers ready for taxes, bagged up newspapers and plastic bags for recycling, cleaned out my desk, baked a coffee cake, finished my book and started another one, etc. I'm kinda bored now. Jesse is going to his brother's to watch the super bowl. I am not bored enough to watch football ;-)

It's Saturday. Last night I went to bed around 11pm and I didn't get up til 10am today. I actually woke up feeling rested about 7am but I went back to sleep anyway. I slept well. I had a headache yesterday afternoon but took some aleve and ate and it went away. I haven't been nauseous since Thursday. I feel like my dreams have been more active. Jesse said I screamed in my sleep the other night. I don't remember that but I do remember throwing something in my sleep last night. I don't think I actually threw anything, but just kind of sitting up and moving my arm like I was throwing something.

It’s finally Friday. I went home sick from work on Thursday at around 11:15. I felt really nauseous the entire morning. Ate and laid down on the couch. Just laid there on the couch for a couple hours. I think I finally fell asleep around 3pm and woke up at 5pm when Jesse got home. I was having dreams that I was basically delirious and thinking people were there who were not there. Also dreamed that I was really hot, but I was really hot when I woke up. Anyway I got up and did stuff around the house for a few hours and went back to sleep about 10pm. I slept really well and woke up a few minutes before it was time to get up. I don’t feel nauseous today. My left eye is still twitching and itches. I have a headache now. But in general I feel much better than yesterday, physically.  

Ok so it’s Thursday morning. Tuesday night I switched from 15mg Celexa to 10mg. I have slept fine the last two nights, but I have been feeling really nauseous since about 7pm last night (Wednesday night). I felt nauseous when we were watching a movie on Netflix and I felt nauseous when I got up to pee in the night and I have felt nauseous since getting up this morning. I also have a weird random pain in the top of my earlobe and my left eye has been twitching for a week. I don’t think either of those things have to do with the medication though. They are just adding to my general complaints for the day. I have also had some digestive issues and have not been pooping like normal. I have felt extremely bloated after eating, even though I am not eating a lot. I don’t know if it’s something to do with the meds, or if I am eating too much because I am getting used to eating less in general so the stuff that was just enough two weeks ago is now too much, but it’s really out of whack and this morning before I woke up I was dreaming about pooping. Nice. Anyway, sleep has been ok but in general I am not feeling very good physically today.

Ok well it’s Tuesday, February 1^st. Tonight I will switch from 15mg of Celexa down to 10mg. I have been on 15mg since January 1^st. I haven’t really had any changes in my sleep since switching from 20mg to 15mg. I haven’t noticed many changes in my mood either. Maybe I have been a little moodier but it’s hard to say if that was due to such a small change in medication. Anyway I have been sleeping well for the last month on 15mg so hopefully I will continue to sleep well on 10mg (plus trazodone).