Dear Sleep Blog,

I suppose I shouldn’t have bragged yesterday about having slept so well for 6 nights in a row. I slept like crap last night. I am sure it is because Jesse and I had a little spat before bed and then I did not feel relaxed. I felt relaxed earlier while I was reading on the couch and I could have fallen asleep then, around 8pm, but that was too early and I got up to do a few things and then we had a little argument and I did not feel relaxed at all anymore. I maybe dozed off a little each hour from 10pm – 2am but I was up at least once an hour and I didn’t really feel like I had slept at all. Sometime after 2am I decided to try some deep breathing, counting backwards, and thinking of a nice place I remember having to start over (at 400) several times as before I even got to 395 I was distracted and thinking about something else. It must’ve worked though because the next thing I remember was waking up feeling like it was going to be time to get up soon and when I checked my clock it was 5:44am. I laid there til 6:05am and then got up.

I think relaxation is key to my falling asleep. If I were sleeping in the bedroom I would turn on the sleep music that I bought but I won’t be able to do that until the new mattress comes and I am able to go back to sleeping in the bedroom.

Anyway last Monday night I had trouble sleeping too and I think it was also because I was not able to relax. We were watching a movie that kind of stressed me out. I started to feel that way while watching a movie on Thursday too, but then I made a conscious effort to relax by getting all of my stuff ready for bed and laying on the couch to watch the movie instead of sitting up. That movie was kind of stressful too. Anyway when I tried hard to get relaxed while watching the movie I was able to sleep well that night.

I am feeling kind of cranky and depressed today for several reasons. I am bummed out that we snapped at each other last night. I am bummed that Jesse is bummed about his job and I don’t know what to do help him feel better. I feel guilty that I haven’t really noticed that he’s been down because I’ve been kind of self absorbed. My jeans feel tighter than I want them to and I feel fat. I feel discouraged because I had to quit my kettlebell workout early last night because a muscle in my lower back started hurting really bad. Especially because the whole reason I was doing kettlebell in the first place was because I’m getting shin splints from running so I need to vary my workouts. I feel discouraged because I’ve been trying not to gain weight and I feel like my workouts are being ruined. I also feel like if I don’t get in 5-6 really intense workouts during the week or basically starve myself I will gain weight. So, if I have to end my workout early, or if I splurge and have a fatty ice cream from Cold Stone, or some candy, or some chips, I gain weight. I feel like if I don’t micromanage my calorie intake and workouts I start to gain weight and gaining weight makes me feel like a COMPLETE FAILURE. Tight pants remind me all day of what a TOTAL FAILURE I am. So, not sleeping is not helping my day. I found two gray hairs this morning that I had to pull out. I realize that these problems are miniscule compared to real problems like cancer and nuclear crises, etc, but I am having a really hard time focusing today and would like to go home and lay in bed. I can’t because I have scheduled fraud interviews and a presentation to give at work. Also we are still using the sucky sleep number bed that I don’t want to lay on. I hope vacation gets here fast, although I’m sure when I get home none of my pants will fit if I eat one too many tacos or have a pina colada on vacation! ARGH.