Hi. It's Tuesday 5/31. This is my 6th day in a row off work. I was supposed to be feeling rested and getting stuff done that I have been meaning to do and generally feeling refreshed before heading back to some more very busy weeks at work. Instead I feel like crap. I slept like a rock last Wednesday night and felt great on my day off on Thursday. I also slept well Thursday night and even woke up earlier than I had planned for a day of shopping on Friday. Friday I was exhausted from shopping and slept pretty well. Saturday I slept til like 10 and I had trouble falling asleep before 1:00am Saturday night, but this was probably because I was caught up on my sleep and not really tired. Sunday Jesse kind of freaked out about me not even trying to sleep in the bed (I had been planning to try to sleep in the bed once we got the tv set up in there, but there was a problem with our new tv and we had to return it so one didn't get set up in there). He set up the old tv from downstairs in the bedroom and I tried to sleep in the bed that night watching seinfeld in the bed. I dozed off next to him a couple of times, probably for like 45 minutes each time, but the second time I couldn't go back to sleep because I just felt awake. After an hour or so I went out to the couch but by 4:30 I got really upset and started crying and woke Jesse up. I cried for a while and he gave me a back rub and I was finally able to fall back asleep, sometime around 6am I would guess. I slept til 10. Of course over this time I also came down with a sore throat/cold, which is also making me feel tired. I felt dead tired all day on Monday but still managed to do some things. I started to feel better around 7pm and took the dog for a long walk. After I took a shower I felt really tired again, like I could've keeled over any second, but we stayed up to watch an episode of law and order svu and then we went to watch seinfeld in bed. I couldn't fall asleep. Didn't even feel tired. When Jesse started snoring I went out to the couch. This was round 12:30. Last time I looked at the clock was 4:38am. I might've dozed off for a few minutes here and there, but I was up to go to the bathroom every half hour. Basically wide awake. I don't know what to do with myself when this happens. I don't want to get up in the middle of the night and do something around the house. Watching tv doesn't help. Sometimes playing solitaire on my phone makes me drowsy. I haven't tried reading again so I will try that soon. Anyway i finally went to sleep I guess sometime before 5:00am and slept til 10am. I still have a sore throat and physically I feel like crap. I am tired and my throat hurts. Mentally I feel even worse. I realize that in the grand scheme of things my problems are miniscule, but it is so frustrating to try to go to bed at a decent hour and then lay awake ALL NIGHT, sleep late and waste most of the day and then still feel like crap. I feel like crying. I dont want to do anything that I wanted to do th is weekend. This not falling asleep til morning and then sleeping til 10am allows me to function enough on days off, but when I have to get up at 5:30am the next 3 days it's going to be a real problem if I can't fall asleep til 4:30am. I feel very depressed about this. I am still taking 5mg Celexa, 150mg of Trazodone, and 2 benadryl. How am I ever going to be able to get off trazodone when I can't even get off the Celexa? I should've done things the other way around because I could still get pregnant while on Celexa but not on Trazodone. I feel like I am never going to be able to get off these pills and sleep and not sleeping ruins my life. Plus i have the trip to NYC coming up in less than 2 weeks and I have no idea how I'm going to be able to sleep while there and I'm afraid the trip will be ruined. And earlier in the year I had wanted to try to get pregnant when I got home from NYC and now I know that's just not going to happen anytime soon. I dont even feel ready now with all of these issues in my head. I have been feeling very down the last month or so since I cut back to 5mg of Celexa. I am not sure if it's because of the insomnia or being tired from having to put in OT at work and travel for work and generally not having a lot of time for anything. I am sure it is a comibination. I dont know what to do. I just want to cry.

Monday. Slept on the couch last night. Took me a bout half an hour to fall asleep, but after that I slept well.

Hello Sunday. The last two nights have been rough. Friday night I decided that I was going to try to sleep in the bed. I've been sleeping fine on the couch for a long time so I thought I could transition to the bed. Big mistake. I got sleepy playing games on my phone but I laid down to go to sleep and no luck. This was about 11pm. About 12:30 I gave up and went out to the couch. Still couldn't fall asleep. Watched Seinfeld, played solitaire on my phone, all the things that have been helping me sleep recently. No luck. Around 3:00am I started crying and went to wake Jesse up. I laid with him for a while, crying, and then I took half a xanax and went back out to the couch. The last time I looked at the clock it was 3:38am. I slept til about 10:00, but was still very tired from the whole ordeal. We had stuff to do and at about 2:00pm I was able to take a nap for a hour and felt a lot better. Went out with friends for dinner. Got home about 11:00pm and tried to sleep on the couch. Stressed out about the inicident from the night before and couldn't fall asleep again. Finally fell asleep a little after 1am and slept til about 9:45am. I am pretty bummed out about this turn of events.

Friday. Slept really well last night. On the couch again of course. I didn’t go to bed til almost 11, but I still woke up at 5:45am feeling rested. Tonight I will try sleeping in the bed.

Thursday. Slept well on the couch. Fell asleep around 9:45pm. I think I fell asleep playing solitaire on my phone because when I woke up to go to the bathroom at about 12:30am my phone was on the couch still. I went right back to sleep and even woke up about 15 minutes before I had to get up.

Wednesday. Slept like crap last night. I was really tired and almost fell asleep waiting for my computer to shut off but as soon as it was time to lay down and sleep i was awake. I watched some tv and fell asleep for a while, but then I woke up. I turned the tv, couldn't sleep, started to feel panicked. I had to try really hard to not panic. It worked a little bit. Then i turned the tv on again. It's weird, but sometimes when I do something that makes me try to keep my eyes open, it makes me fall asleep. like when i turn the tv on and it's bright, or a light to read and it's bright, I want to close my eyes, instead of when I'm trying to sleep and my eyes want to open. anyway, it took me about 2 hours to finally fall asleep, so i got to sleep about midnight. the hotel was crappy and you could hear everything. I only had one earplug left in when the alarm going off in the room ABOVE mine woke me up at 6:08am. I am tired and crabby tonight.

Tuesday. slept like a baby on the couch last night. was still sleeping when alarm went off because i had to get up an hour earlier than normal due to traveling for work. Will be sleeping in a (rather crappy) hotel tonight. Here's hoping it goes better than last time.

Ok, it’s been a few weeks. I haven’t written because I feel like nothing’s change. I am sleeping well as long as I fall asleep on the couch watching Seinfeld. Well, I suppose it could be something else but that’s what I’ve been watching. Actually I am usually just listening to it when I fall asleep. I have even been falling asleep without earplugs. I usually get up once to pee and then sleep til morning. I have even been waking up 10-15 minutes before my alarm. Sunday morning I was even able to fall back asleep while Jesse was making noise in the kitchen. I have been sleeping about 10 hours on the weekends. The exception was last Tuesday night when I was out of town for work. I had no problem falling asleep at the hotel but I woke up after about 45 minutes and couldn’t fall back asleep. I didn’t feel panicked – just awake. I was awake for about 2.5 hours. Watching tv didn’t help, even when I found Seinfeld on. I didn’t try reading. I haven’t made any other changes to my medication. I would like to wait til I’m sleeping well actually in my bed to do that. We ordered a new tv for the living and will be moving the living room tv into the bedroom so hopefully that will help me sleep in the bedroom. It won’t be here for at least a week though. In the meantime, I am thankful to be getting a good night’s sleep, even if it is on the couch.

Wednesday. Slept like crap last night. I was really exhausted from work and started to fall asleep on the couch around 8:30, so I got up and went to bed. I felt too tired to read, but then I couldn’t fall asleep. I laid there til about 10pm and then got up and went to the couch. I felt stressed and frustrated. I watched Seinfeld and played games on my phone but still couldn’t really get relaxed. I started reading a new earth and fell asleep right away, but woke up 10 minutes later (jesse said that’s how long it was). I was awake for a while again and finally was able to go to sleep at about midnight. I woke up at 5:15am and went to the bathroom and took my contacts out. I laid back down for the half hour or so before I had to get up again. Argh.  

Tuesday. Fell asleep reading last night at about 9:30pm. Woke up at 11:30pm (not feeling panicked) got up and went to the bathroom, took my contacts out, and went right back to sleep. Slept til my alarm went off at 5:55am. Yay!

Monday. I did not sleep well last night. It was very frustrating because I felt crappy all day yesterday and couldn't wait to go to bed. I ran errands during the day but couldn't wait to get home and lay down on the couch. I laid down and watched Bridget Jones Diary and an episode of Seinfeld and then I went to bed to read just after 9pm. I played a couple games of solitaire on my phone and then read for a while til I got sleepy, but as soon as I laid down to sleep I couldn't shut my mind off. Not bad thoughts, just thoughts. I laid there for at least an hour and a half before I got up and went out to the living room to watch tv. I was pretty crabby by that point. I watched Seinfeld for about an hour before I was able to turn it off and go to sleep. I seem to have a lot of trouble going to sleep on Sunday nights, or basically at the end of a time when I'm not working and then have to go back to work. I don't feel anxiety about work so I don't know why that is. Maybe I sleep too much on the weekends? But I only slept about 9 hours on Saturday night. I did sleep in until 10:45am but I didn't go to bed until almost 1:00am and I was up sick for an hour at night. I was really tired all day, so it's not like I was full of energy or something. Maybe I just feel pressured to sleep? I don't know. In any case, I wasn't too tired after I had some caffeine in the morning today, but I hope I sleep better tonight because although I can make it through 1 day on 5-6 hours of sleep, when it starts to be multiple days like that I get really tired and kind of have a breakdown after a few days.

Friday night - excellent sleep. Went to bed at normal time, 9:30 or 10ish, slept til 6:30ish, then went back to sleep for another 3 hours.

Saturday night - we stayed out late (well late for me) at fight night at tim's house. I had two smirnoff ice (pineapple flavor) and some appetizer type food. This was over about 4 hours. I was by no means drinking on an empty stomach. Went to bed about 1am. Woke up at 5am feeling absolutely sick. Got up to pee, laid down again and almost immediately felt like I was going to puke. I ran back to the bathroom and I didn't throw up but still felt like I had to. I tried to puke but couldn't, so I went and laid back down but i felt sick again, so I got up and stuck my finger down my throat til I puked a little, but I only puked up the water I had drank when I got up to pee. I was up for about an hour in the bathroom. I was able to fall back to sleep and slept for another 5 hours or so. I got about 9 hours total sleep but I have felt like ass all day today. I dont know if it's from what I ate, from eating too much, from drinking, or what, but I am pretty much never drinking again. I still don't feel very well and it's almost time to go back go bed. I am still very grateful to be sleeping through the night again though.