It’s still been going very well on 10mg of Celexa and 50mg Trazodone. I have reduced the Benadryl to 1.5 instead of two. I have no trouble falling or staying asleep and usually feel very rested after 8-9 hours. This weekend I didn’t even sleep in. I used to go back to sleep for 2-3 hours after waking up after the first 8 hours, but I decided not to do that anymore.

Sleeping like a baby since I went back to 50mg of trazodone  :-)

I missed a few days writing. Wednesday night I did not take any Trazodone. I figured that 12.5mg didn’t help and 6mg didn’t help, so what difference would it make if I didn’t take any? Well, Wednesday night I slept from about 9:30pm – 11:00pm and I was awake the entire rest of the night. I tried watching tv, playing solitaire on my phone, reading the news on my phone, listening to sleep music, jesse laid by me for a while, I cried, nothing helped. I held out hope that I would fall back asleep around 4:30am as I had been doing for a while. Around 5am I gave up and went to the bed to at least lay by Jesse for a while before I had to get up, but nothing helped. I didn’t get any sleep. I didn’t actually feel all that tired on Thursday, but I did feel like a crabby monster and virtually everything made me feel like the world was ending and I wanted to cry. I also felt really nauseous several times at work. Later in the day I started to get the pains in my legs that I get when I don’t sleep. I resigned myself to going back on Trazodone and took 50mg that night. I fell asleep just before 9pm and slept all night until 6am. I got up once or twice to pee but fell right back asleep. Friday and Saturday nights we were up at the cabin. I initially took 50mg Friday night but had trouble falling asleep because I wasn’t able to read or anything before I laid down so I got up and took another 25mg. I slept almost 12 hours. It was divine. Saturday night I went back to 50mg and slept 10 hours. Also divine. Sunday night I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to sleep because I ordered a big root beer float at dinner, not realizing that it had caffeine in it and also because I slept so much on the weekend. I fell asleep reading. Woke up once to pee and went right back to sleep. Slept til alarm went off at 6am. Tomorrow we will see the doctor to find out if I can take these pills while pregnant. I think I could live with taking just 25mg if I got pregnant because I can usually get a few good nights of sleep each week with that, but anything less than that is unbearable. I have no idea what I will do if he says I won’t be able to take these pills because I just plain can’t sleep without them and I can’t live without sleep. I don’t know if it is “rebound” insomnia and would go away in a few weeks, but I doubt it, because I was off them for a few weeks late last summer and the insomnia never went away no matter what I did or what other kind of other medication I took. Also, it’s not as though I ever have a few weeks to put my life on hold and stop functioning while I don’t sleep at all just to see if it gets better.  

10 mg Celexa

6mg Trazodone

2 benadryl

I haven’t written in a while. Things were going well all the way through 50mg of trazodone. When I switched to 25mg I started having more problems falling and staying asleep. Then I went down to 12.5mg and then I started cutting those in half last night. I haven’t been sleeping well for most of the nights now. If I do fall asleep I wake up fairly soon and then have trouble falling back asleep as I feel very awake. I have been sleeping on the couch almost exclusively for several weeks as when I try to sleep in the bed and can’t it makes it harder for me to get to sleep at all after I move out to the couch. Last night I fell asleep around 10:45pm watching tv. Woke up at 11:30pm and was awake until at least 2:00am. I had finally resigned myself to being awake and put my contacts back in and started reading the news on my phone when I fell back asleep until my alarm went off at 6:00am. I am very tired today and the insomnia is beginning to wear me down. I am going to take 15mg of Celexa tonight and no trazodone. It is hard for me not to view this as a big defeat, as it took me months to get used to taking only 10mg, but at least if I can get off the trazodone I will only be on one medication. I don’t feel depressed in general but on the days when I haven’t gotten enough sleep the night before my mood is definitely a lot worse. Since this is happening more often than not now, my mood is suffering a lot. I don’t have a lot of energy to do the things I want to do and that upsets me.  

Just a note. It has been 5 nights of 75mg trazodone. I have not had any problems sleeping. Yay J

It’s Friday. Last night I went down to 75mg of Trazodone. Things went well at 100 so here’s hoping they go well at 75. I slept fine last night.

Other observations…

I have been starving all week. I had my period this week. I don’t know if that anything to do with it, but I’ve developed a habit of having a coke zero and a bag of microwave popcorn everyday at work. Even with that, many days this week I have been starving on top of that, eating an apple and a zone bar too, which all amounts to twice as many calories as I was eating at work a few weeks ago. I think it might be because of my period, because Monday night I worked out when I was really hungry and therefore was much hungrier afterwards, and also because I think Coke Zero makes me hungry. I will be giving up the coke and popcorn habit next week, but I will need to bring in some sort of snack to replace it because there aren’t very many days when I’m not still starving after only eating 700-900 calories at work all day.

Other than being extremely hungry this week, I have still been in a very good mood in general.

I have been feeling less rested this week than the past few weeks, although I have still be sleeping well. I think it’s because I stayed up too late on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, but also may because I added that caffeine back into my daily routine. For a few weeks there I was feeling really rested after only 7-7.5 hours of sleep and waking up before my alarm everyday. Not so this week. Jesse is convinced that I have sleep apnea because of my breathing at night. Who knows…

Normally Sunday I would be starting a new pack of bc pills but I am going off the pill. I wonder if I will notice any changes because of that.

It’s been a week since I went down to 100mg of Trazodone. Overall I have been sleeping well and still in a very good mood, but there were two nights I didn’t sleep well. I don’t know that this had much to do with the change in meds though. Sunday night I was really tired after boating and fell asleep on the couch watching TV around 8-9pm. I got up and tried to go bed when Jesse woke me up. I felt really tired so I tried to fall asleep without watching tv, but my mind starting going about whatever random things popped into and I couldn’t fall asleep. Also, I felt really bloated and kept having to get up and pee. Maybe this was the radishes I ate earlier? I have no idea. I turned the tv back on and watched true blood, but still didn’t feel sleepy. I ended up going back out to the couch and watching tv and playing solitaire on my phone for a while and then I fell asleep. Wednesday night I also had trouble sleeping, but that was because I woke up when I started to feel extremely nauseous in my sleep. The sudden wave of nausea is what woke me up. I had trouble falling back to sleep after that because feeling nauseous all of the sudden like that made me feel anxious, plus I felt like I couldn’t turn on the tv in the middle of the night since it would wake Jesse. I played on my phone a little (this iphone has been really useful!) but still didn’t get sleepy. I laid there for about an hour and a half and then went out to the couch, watched some true blood and played on my phone, and fell back to sleep around 4:30am. Needless to say, getting up at 6am sucked and I was very tired and cranky all day on Thursday. I went to bed about 8:15pm, slept til about 10:30pm, got up to take out my contacts and pee and went right back to sleep. I got up once more to pee during the night. Woke up at 5am feeling totally rested. Went back to sleep til my alarm went off at 6:05am and then hit snooze once.

I think those two nights were kind of due to strange circumstances, but all the same I have been making an effort not to fall asleep on the couch before going to bed. Hopefully it will continue to go well. It seems to be going well in general. On another note, I have lost 5.2 pounds since 6/20/11, which I think is pretty darn good considering I have had many cheat days and haven’t been exercising at all. I plan to work some exercise back into my daily routine soon.

It's sunday. on Thursday night I went down to 100mg of trazodone. Everything is going well so far. I have noticed that since I went down from 150mg of trazodone that I have had a lot more energy and feel less drowsy during the day. Generally I wake up feeling rested after 7 - 7.5 hours of sleep. On the weekends I go back to sleep for 2-3 more though :-)  Still falling asleep watching true blood and with my contacts in.

Tonight will be one week since I went down to 125mg of Trazodone. I have generally slept well every night and have been waking up after 7 hours or so feeling rested. Of course I always lay in bed until about 5 minutes past the time I have to get up anyway. I should mention that I have been falling asleep watching True Blood in the bedroom and that I still leave my contacts in. Last night Jesse was making a bunch of noise that woke me up and I had a little trouble falling back to sleep because he came to bed then and started snoring, but I got up and took 2 more Benadryl and was able to fall asleep.

night # 2 at 125mg of trazodone went well :-) slept well, fell asleep right away both initially and after getting up to pee. woke up after about 7.5 hours but went back to sleep for 3 more :-)

Well I have been sleeping well for a few weeks now, so I decided to start stepping down on the trazodone. Last night I took 125mg instead of 150 and I slept fine. Hopefully it stays that way. Lately I have been waking up about ½ hour or 45 minutes before it’s time to get up and feeling pretty rested. Of course I don’t actually get up until the alarm goes off and then some, but it is nice to feel rested. It’s usually after about 7 – 7.5 hours of sleep. Still taking 10mg Celexa and 2 benadryl. My mood has been good.

Sleep is still going well :-) Fall asleep easily, go back to sleep easily after getting up to pee. Sleep as long as I want. Feel rested. Mood has been good. Have not made any changes to meds since last time I wrote. I should mention that today has been two weeks since I gave up caffeine. I had really bad headaches for a couple of days but since then I've been fine. I did cheat one day and had 2 cans of coke zero. I was starving and falling asleep at work. I could really feel the caffeine hit me after that. Before, when I was drinking about a million gallons a day, I never noticed the caffeine at all. That was my only cheat. I also gave up other diet pop, at least on a regular basis. I have had some the last few days that we've been working on the roof and when we went to someone's house for dinner, but in general I am not buying or drinking it. I'm trying to stick with water. Also, I lost 3.2 pounds in the first 12 days of my diet! I'm pretty sure I gained some back in the last two days because working on the roof in the hot sun and having a house full of goodies to feed the people helping with it led me to overeat and eat a lot of junk food. I was going to restart my diet today but I am so tired and sore that I just don't care. I want a steak. I will definitely be back on the diet as of Wednesday when I go back to work. Overall, things are going well.

Hello hello,

It’s been almost a month since I wrote, but it has been a good month. In the beginning of June I went back up to 10mg of Celexa. I have basically been sleeping like a baby and in a much, much better mood since then. I slept well on the trip to NYC and I started sleeping in the bedroom again when I got home. I generally fall asleep right away, after I watch a little Seinfeld and play a little solitaire on my phone, and I sleep all night. There was just one night that I was woken up in the middle of the night by the dog barking and couldn’t fall back asleep for a couple hours and had to go out to the couch. My mood has been so much better too :-) yay!  

It’s Thursday. Last day of work before vacation. It’s been 6 nights/7days at 10mg of Celexa instead of 5. I have been sleeping well, although still on the couch. I fall asleep right away and have woken up a little before my alarm every day this week. I have also been feeling way better this week than I have for the last month in terms of energy and mood. I don’t know if it’s because I have had kind of a lot of time off work to recoup or because of the medication or both, but I have had a lot more energy and have been in a much better mood. I have been working out again after work and in general feeling happy and not stressed, exhausted and rather hateful like had been feeling for about a month before. Yay :-)

Well, after a rough month at 5mg of celexa i saw the dr and am going to go back to 10mg. i have slept well since then, although still on the couch. when I get home from nyc I'm going to sleep in the bed again. i'm going to try to get off the trazodone before the celexa this time. wish me luck.

Hi. It's Tuesday 5/31. This is my 6th day in a row off work. I was supposed to be feeling rested and getting stuff done that I have been meaning to do and generally feeling refreshed before heading back to some more very busy weeks at work. Instead I feel like crap. I slept like a rock last Wednesday night and felt great on my day off on Thursday. I also slept well Thursday night and even woke up earlier than I had planned for a day of shopping on Friday. Friday I was exhausted from shopping and slept pretty well. Saturday I slept til like 10 and I had trouble falling asleep before 1:00am Saturday night, but this was probably because I was caught up on my sleep and not really tired. Sunday Jesse kind of freaked out about me not even trying to sleep in the bed (I had been planning to try to sleep in the bed once we got the tv set up in there, but there was a problem with our new tv and we had to return it so one didn't get set up in there). He set up the old tv from downstairs in the bedroom and I tried to sleep in the bed that night watching seinfeld in the bed. I dozed off next to him a couple of times, probably for like 45 minutes each time, but the second time I couldn't go back to sleep because I just felt awake. After an hour or so I went out to the couch but by 4:30 I got really upset and started crying and woke Jesse up. I cried for a while and he gave me a back rub and I was finally able to fall back asleep, sometime around 6am I would guess. I slept til 10. Of course over this time I also came down with a sore throat/cold, which is also making me feel tired. I felt dead tired all day on Monday but still managed to do some things. I started to feel better around 7pm and took the dog for a long walk. After I took a shower I felt really tired again, like I could've keeled over any second, but we stayed up to watch an episode of law and order svu and then we went to watch seinfeld in bed. I couldn't fall asleep. Didn't even feel tired. When Jesse started snoring I went out to the couch. This was round 12:30. Last time I looked at the clock was 4:38am. I might've dozed off for a few minutes here and there, but I was up to go to the bathroom every half hour. Basically wide awake. I don't know what to do with myself when this happens. I don't want to get up in the middle of the night and do something around the house. Watching tv doesn't help. Sometimes playing solitaire on my phone makes me drowsy. I haven't tried reading again so I will try that soon. Anyway i finally went to sleep I guess sometime before 5:00am and slept til 10am. I still have a sore throat and physically I feel like crap. I am tired and my throat hurts. Mentally I feel even worse. I realize that in the grand scheme of things my problems are miniscule, but it is so frustrating to try to go to bed at a decent hour and then lay awake ALL NIGHT, sleep late and waste most of the day and then still feel like crap. I feel like crying. I dont want to do anything that I wanted to do th is weekend. This not falling asleep til morning and then sleeping til 10am allows me to function enough on days off, but when I have to get up at 5:30am the next 3 days it's going to be a real problem if I can't fall asleep til 4:30am. I feel very depressed about this. I am still taking 5mg Celexa, 150mg of Trazodone, and 2 benadryl. How am I ever going to be able to get off trazodone when I can't even get off the Celexa? I should've done things the other way around because I could still get pregnant while on Celexa but not on Trazodone. I feel like I am never going to be able to get off these pills and sleep and not sleeping ruins my life. Plus i have the trip to NYC coming up in less than 2 weeks and I have no idea how I'm going to be able to sleep while there and I'm afraid the trip will be ruined. And earlier in the year I had wanted to try to get pregnant when I got home from NYC and now I know that's just not going to happen anytime soon. I dont even feel ready now with all of these issues in my head. I have been feeling very down the last month or so since I cut back to 5mg of Celexa. I am not sure if it's because of the insomnia or being tired from having to put in OT at work and travel for work and generally not having a lot of time for anything. I am sure it is a comibination. I dont know what to do. I just want to cry.

Monday. Slept on the couch last night. Took me a bout half an hour to fall asleep, but after that I slept well.

Hello Sunday. The last two nights have been rough. Friday night I decided that I was going to try to sleep in the bed. I've been sleeping fine on the couch for a long time so I thought I could transition to the bed. Big mistake. I got sleepy playing games on my phone but I laid down to go to sleep and no luck. This was about 11pm. About 12:30 I gave up and went out to the couch. Still couldn't fall asleep. Watched Seinfeld, played solitaire on my phone, all the things that have been helping me sleep recently. No luck. Around 3:00am I started crying and went to wake Jesse up. I laid with him for a while, crying, and then I took half a xanax and went back out to the couch. The last time I looked at the clock it was 3:38am. I slept til about 10:00, but was still very tired from the whole ordeal. We had stuff to do and at about 2:00pm I was able to take a nap for a hour and felt a lot better. Went out with friends for dinner. Got home about 11:00pm and tried to sleep on the couch. Stressed out about the inicident from the night before and couldn't fall asleep again. Finally fell asleep a little after 1am and slept til about 9:45am. I am pretty bummed out about this turn of events.

Friday. Slept really well last night. On the couch again of course. I didn’t go to bed til almost 11, but I still woke up at 5:45am feeling rested. Tonight I will try sleeping in the bed.

Thursday. Slept well on the couch. Fell asleep around 9:45pm. I think I fell asleep playing solitaire on my phone because when I woke up to go to the bathroom at about 12:30am my phone was on the couch still. I went right back to sleep and even woke up about 15 minutes before I had to get up.

Wednesday. Slept like crap last night. I was really tired and almost fell asleep waiting for my computer to shut off but as soon as it was time to lay down and sleep i was awake. I watched some tv and fell asleep for a while, but then I woke up. I turned the tv, couldn't sleep, started to feel panicked. I had to try really hard to not panic. It worked a little bit. Then i turned the tv on again. It's weird, but sometimes when I do something that makes me try to keep my eyes open, it makes me fall asleep. like when i turn the tv on and it's bright, or a light to read and it's bright, I want to close my eyes, instead of when I'm trying to sleep and my eyes want to open. anyway, it took me about 2 hours to finally fall asleep, so i got to sleep about midnight. the hotel was crappy and you could hear everything. I only had one earplug left in when the alarm going off in the room ABOVE mine woke me up at 6:08am. I am tired and crabby tonight.

Tuesday. slept like a baby on the couch last night. was still sleeping when alarm went off because i had to get up an hour earlier than normal due to traveling for work. Will be sleeping in a (rather crappy) hotel tonight. Here's hoping it goes better than last time.

Ok, it’s been a few weeks. I haven’t written because I feel like nothing’s change. I am sleeping well as long as I fall asleep on the couch watching Seinfeld. Well, I suppose it could be something else but that’s what I’ve been watching. Actually I am usually just listening to it when I fall asleep. I have even been falling asleep without earplugs. I usually get up once to pee and then sleep til morning. I have even been waking up 10-15 minutes before my alarm. Sunday morning I was even able to fall back asleep while Jesse was making noise in the kitchen. I have been sleeping about 10 hours on the weekends. The exception was last Tuesday night when I was out of town for work. I had no problem falling asleep at the hotel but I woke up after about 45 minutes and couldn’t fall back asleep. I didn’t feel panicked – just awake. I was awake for about 2.5 hours. Watching tv didn’t help, even when I found Seinfeld on. I didn’t try reading. I haven’t made any other changes to my medication. I would like to wait til I’m sleeping well actually in my bed to do that. We ordered a new tv for the living and will be moving the living room tv into the bedroom so hopefully that will help me sleep in the bedroom. It won’t be here for at least a week though. In the meantime, I am thankful to be getting a good night’s sleep, even if it is on the couch.

Wednesday. Slept like crap last night. I was really exhausted from work and started to fall asleep on the couch around 8:30, so I got up and went to bed. I felt too tired to read, but then I couldn’t fall asleep. I laid there til about 10pm and then got up and went to the couch. I felt stressed and frustrated. I watched Seinfeld and played games on my phone but still couldn’t really get relaxed. I started reading a new earth and fell asleep right away, but woke up 10 minutes later (jesse said that’s how long it was). I was awake for a while again and finally was able to go to sleep at about midnight. I woke up at 5:15am and went to the bathroom and took my contacts out. I laid back down for the half hour or so before I had to get up again. Argh.  

Tuesday. Fell asleep reading last night at about 9:30pm. Woke up at 11:30pm (not feeling panicked) got up and went to the bathroom, took my contacts out, and went right back to sleep. Slept til my alarm went off at 5:55am. Yay!

Monday. I did not sleep well last night. It was very frustrating because I felt crappy all day yesterday and couldn't wait to go to bed. I ran errands during the day but couldn't wait to get home and lay down on the couch. I laid down and watched Bridget Jones Diary and an episode of Seinfeld and then I went to bed to read just after 9pm. I played a couple games of solitaire on my phone and then read for a while til I got sleepy, but as soon as I laid down to sleep I couldn't shut my mind off. Not bad thoughts, just thoughts. I laid there for at least an hour and a half before I got up and went out to the living room to watch tv. I was pretty crabby by that point. I watched Seinfeld for about an hour before I was able to turn it off and go to sleep. I seem to have a lot of trouble going to sleep on Sunday nights, or basically at the end of a time when I'm not working and then have to go back to work. I don't feel anxiety about work so I don't know why that is. Maybe I sleep too much on the weekends? But I only slept about 9 hours on Saturday night. I did sleep in until 10:45am but I didn't go to bed until almost 1:00am and I was up sick for an hour at night. I was really tired all day, so it's not like I was full of energy or something. Maybe I just feel pressured to sleep? I don't know. In any case, I wasn't too tired after I had some caffeine in the morning today, but I hope I sleep better tonight because although I can make it through 1 day on 5-6 hours of sleep, when it starts to be multiple days like that I get really tired and kind of have a breakdown after a few days.

Friday night - excellent sleep. Went to bed at normal time, 9:30 or 10ish, slept til 6:30ish, then went back to sleep for another 3 hours.

Saturday night - we stayed out late (well late for me) at fight night at tim's house. I had two smirnoff ice (pineapple flavor) and some appetizer type food. This was over about 4 hours. I was by no means drinking on an empty stomach. Went to bed about 1am. Woke up at 5am feeling absolutely sick. Got up to pee, laid down again and almost immediately felt like I was going to puke. I ran back to the bathroom and I didn't throw up but still felt like I had to. I tried to puke but couldn't, so I went and laid back down but i felt sick again, so I got up and stuck my finger down my throat til I puked a little, but I only puked up the water I had drank when I got up to pee. I was up for about an hour in the bathroom. I was able to fall back to sleep and slept for another 5 hours or so. I got about 9 hours total sleep but I have felt like ass all day today. I dont know if it's from what I ate, from eating too much, from drinking, or what, but I am pretty much never drinking again. I still don't feel very well and it's almost time to go back go bed. I am still very grateful to be sleeping through the night again though.

Friday. I slept well again last night. Yay! Even woke up a couple minutes before my alarm today.  It has been a week on 5mg of Celexa. I slept well 5 nights and crappy 3 nights. It’s going better than it was last fall.

Thursday. I was really tired and cranky last night, but I went to bed about 8:15pm and read for about 15 minutes. I actually put my book down and went to sleep, rather than falling asleep reading it. I slept all night! I got up once to pee and went right back to sleep. I slept 9 hours. YIPPPPPEEEEE!

Wednesday. I was really tired yesterday but I worked out after work and tried to be productive. I made the pineapple/jicama salad that I wanted to make and watched some TV with Jesse. I went to bed around 9:30pm and played games on my phone til I fell asleep. I just finished the book I was reading and I always find it hard to start a new book after finishing one that I like, so I didn’t want to read. I slept from about 10:00pm – 10:40, then I woke up in a panic again. Fortunately at least I wasn’t drenched in sweat because I slept in a tshirt instead of a sweatshirt, only used one blanket, and unplugged my heated mattress pad, but I still just felt like I had to get out that room when I woke up and go do something else to relax. So I woke Jesse up on the couch and he went to bed and I watched Seinfeld and played more games on phone for about an hour until I turned everything off about midnight and then I slept til 5:55am. It wasn’t as easy to relax again as it was the night before. This weekend we are going to buy a TV for the bedroom so hopefully can watch tv to relax in there. I feel tired, crabby, and discouraged. It is going better than it did last fall when I tried this, and sleeping 6 hours a night is a lot better than the 1-2 hours I was getting last fall, but this is really hard. It took me 3 months to be able to sleep normal again when I went from 15 – 10mg of Celexa, and I guess now I can probably expect it to take that long going from 10mg to 5mg. After that I’ll have to go from 5mg to 0mg, and then start working on the trazodone. At this rate I don’t think we’ll be able to try for a baby until I hit menopause :-(

Tuesday. I was really exhausted last night of course and I went to bed about 9:30pm. I played chess on my phone and read for a little bit and then turned off the light and fell asleep, but about an hour later I woke up drenched in sweat and in kind of a panic. I had to get out of the room. I got up and took over the living room, laid on the couch watching Seinfeld and downloading apps for my phone. I felt better after I got my mind off sleeping. I was able to turn off the tv and go back to sleep around 12:30am and I slept til my alarm went off at 5:55am. I feel better than yesterday but still tired of course. I plan to run tonight so hopefully that will help me sleep. I haven’t worked out the past two nights. I don’t know if that makes a difference or not.  

Well it’s Monday. I slept well Saturday night but last night was a total bust. I woke up around 11:30pm to pee and Jesse was snoring really loud and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I laid there for what later turned out to be 3 hours (I didn’t check the time until I finally gave in and went out to the living room). Several times I was overcome by feelings of anxiety, like adrenaline washing over me like the feeling I get when I realize I didn’t see a cop sitting there and I was speeding. I started obsessing again about how am I ever going to sleep when we have kids and I can’t sleep with ear plugs and Jesse is still snoring like that. I kept laying awake waiting for him to start snoring again. I wanted to read but I didn’t want to turn on the light and wake him up and I wanted to try listening to my sleep music but I also didn’t want to wake him up and was afraid to take out my earplugs to hear the music because then I would hear the snoring more. Eventually I got up and went to the couch and started crying, then I read for a while. Last time I looked at the clock it was a little after 3:00am. Needless to say I was very tired when my alarm went off at 5:55am.  

Ok well it's Saturday (I was gonna say morning but I guess it's afternoon now, almost evening for that matter). I have slept very well the last two nights even with having reducing the celexa to 5mg. Both nights I went to bed early (I have been working out pretty hard this week and it's been making me tired). Both nights I slept about 9 hours and woke up feeling rested, but both mornings I went back to sleep for a while. I have even been able to fall right back to sleep after being woken up at night, Thursday night at about 1am by Jesse's phone beeping with a low battery, and last night by Jesse calling while he was out. Hopefully I will be able to transition well completely off the Celexa. 5mg is not much so hopefully going from 5mg to 0mg will go well. I plan to try it in a month, probably right before Memorial Day weekend as a I have a long weekend off from work then. Love the new mattress!

Dear Sleep Blog.

We got the new bed on Monday. I slept so-so on Monday night, but I think that was because I slept in too late on Monday morning (I had the day off). I had been tired from staying up past 1:00am for several nights before that, so I slept late. Then I worked out hard around 4:00pm - 5:00pm and had kind of a hard time winding down, plus I was a little anxious about going back to work after vacation. I did go to bed in the bed though. I felt like I wasn't sleeping, like I was still just thinking and then I got kind of startled and went looking for Jesse to tell him I wasn't sleeping. I thought he was in the living room but turns out he had already come to bed. I think that might've been what startled me but I didn't know it. I told him I wasn't sleeping but he said that was bullshit because I had been snoring. Either way I didn't feel like I had been sleeping. I did fall into a deeper sleep later but of course I was tired when I woke up. Also because I didn't even try to go to bed until after I should have considering I had to get up at 5:20am. But, Tuesday night I went to bed and fell asleep reading. I even woke up to pee and saw that my reading stuff was strewn all over the bed and the lamp was still on but I didn't even care, I just laid down and went right back to sleep. I ahd gone to bed about 9pm then. Last night (Wednesday) I went to bed to read around 8:30, read for a while, and then decided to go to sleep. I fell asleep right away and slept like a baby all night. I even woke up a while before my alarm went off and felt rested. That hasn't happened for a long time. When I slept on the couch I generally never work up feeling rested before the alarm. Oh and since I've gone back in the bedroom I have unplugged the clock and I never check the time when I wake up. I just try to go back to sleep. I could check on my phone or the clock in the bathroom but I don't. I must say, I absolutely love the new mattress. It is snuggly yet firm and my back doesn't hurt at all and I can even sleep on my side without it hurting. I don't have to put pillows under my legs either. It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better than that crazy stupid sleep number air bed piece of crap. This new mattress was worth every penny.

So I have still be taking 10mg Celexa, 150mg Trazodone, and 2 benadryl. Tonight I am going to reduce the Celexa to 5mg. I would prefer to wait a week, but this is a long weekend for me and next week would be the only time I could conceivably miss work without causing a minor disaster in the next month or 2, and I don't want to wait that long to make another change, since once I do get off the Celexa completely I will have to start working my way off the Trazodone. I hopeful that this will go well, as really 10mg isn't even a theraputic does of Celexa. However, last time I reduced by 5mg, which was only 30% at the time, I felt really nauseous for like a day and a half. I dont want to have to miss work if that happens again, and this time a mg reduction will be a 50% reduction. Hopefully it won't make me nauseous or not sleep, but just in case I'm going to try it over the weekend.

2nd day back from vacation. Have been sleeping great. Vacation was great, slept well every night :-)

Dear Sleep Blog. I have not slept well for 2 nights. Well, I probably would've slept well on Monday night. I was sound asleep when Jesse woke me up at midnight because he wasn't feeling well. Almost immediately I became extremely nauseous, I'm sure from the 150mg of Trazodone I took at 9pm, and then I had to lay on the bathroom floor for like 15 minutes until I felt well enough to move again. The nausea caused by that trazodone when I wake up like that in the night is completely debilitating. Anyway I didn't fall back asleep until about 4:30am. Last time I looked at the clock was 4:21am. Needless to say, I was completely exhausted yesterday. I planned to go to bed early and tried to sleep at 8pm but couldn't fall asleep. Jesse said I was sleeping for a while but I didn't feel like I slept. Around 10pm I had Jesse turn the tv off. He went in the bedroom with the laptop to watch tv. I still didnt fall asleep and went into the bedroom to lay down and watch tv with him. He fell asleep and I did doze off a little, but kept waking up again. I laid there through 3 episodes of law and order and went back to the couch at about 1:45am. I fell asleep shortly after that. I am so tired today too. When I couldn't sleep it was like I had the same song line running through my head over and over. I have had that problem for as long as i can remember. I did try listening to that sleep music but I had to use my ipod headphones and that was uncomfortable and i could still hear chiquis snoring. even the dog was sleeping. Anyway it did start to help me but I still wasn't sleeping so that's when I got up and went in the bedroom with Jesse. I hope i can sleep tonight.

Hello Monday. I have slept very well the last 3 nights. I have even taken my contacts out and laid down to fall asleep rather than falling asleep watching tv or reading. I had been leaving my contacts in in case I didn’t fall asleep or woke up a lot so that I wouldn’t have to put them back in in order to get up and read or watch tv. But I haven’t had to do that so I started taking them out. Only a few more nights to go sleeping on the couch. Then we leave for vacation and when we get back we will go pick up our new mattress!

I slept well last night, thankfully. I was really busy after work between running errands adn exercising and making cupcakes and I didn't sit down til about 9:20pm. I decided to sleep about 9:45pm and fell asleep right away, even with the lights on. Got up to pee about 3:00am and then went right back to sleep til 5:55am when my alarm went off. Still feel pretty tired today though. It's probably from running last night though. I am up to 3.6 miles.

It’s Wednesday. I had some trouble falling asleep last night. I think I am actually dozing off for like 20 minutes or so, but then I wake up again. I think I did fall asleep by about 11pm though.

Dear Sleep Blog,

I suppose I shouldn’t have bragged yesterday about having slept so well for 6 nights in a row. I slept like crap last night. I am sure it is because Jesse and I had a little spat before bed and then I did not feel relaxed. I felt relaxed earlier while I was reading on the couch and I could have fallen asleep then, around 8pm, but that was too early and I got up to do a few things and then we had a little argument and I did not feel relaxed at all anymore. I maybe dozed off a little each hour from 10pm – 2am but I was up at least once an hour and I didn’t really feel like I had slept at all. Sometime after 2am I decided to try some deep breathing, counting backwards, and thinking of a nice place I remember having to start over (at 400) several times as before I even got to 395 I was distracted and thinking about something else. It must’ve worked though because the next thing I remember was waking up feeling like it was going to be time to get up soon and when I checked my clock it was 5:44am. I laid there til 6:05am and then got up.

I think relaxation is key to my falling asleep. If I were sleeping in the bedroom I would turn on the sleep music that I bought but I won’t be able to do that until the new mattress comes and I am able to go back to sleeping in the bedroom.

Anyway last Monday night I had trouble sleeping too and I think it was also because I was not able to relax. We were watching a movie that kind of stressed me out. I started to feel that way while watching a movie on Thursday too, but then I made a conscious effort to relax by getting all of my stuff ready for bed and laying on the couch to watch the movie instead of sitting up. That movie was kind of stressful too. Anyway when I tried hard to get relaxed while watching the movie I was able to sleep well that night.

I am feeling kind of cranky and depressed today for several reasons. I am bummed out that we snapped at each other last night. I am bummed that Jesse is bummed about his job and I don’t know what to do help him feel better. I feel guilty that I haven’t really noticed that he’s been down because I’ve been kind of self absorbed. My jeans feel tighter than I want them to and I feel fat. I feel discouraged because I had to quit my kettlebell workout early last night because a muscle in my lower back started hurting really bad. Especially because the whole reason I was doing kettlebell in the first place was because I’m getting shin splints from running so I need to vary my workouts. I feel discouraged because I’ve been trying not to gain weight and I feel like my workouts are being ruined. I also feel like if I don’t get in 5-6 really intense workouts during the week or basically starve myself I will gain weight. So, if I have to end my workout early, or if I splurge and have a fatty ice cream from Cold Stone, or some candy, or some chips, I gain weight. I feel like if I don’t micromanage my calorie intake and workouts I start to gain weight and gaining weight makes me feel like a COMPLETE FAILURE. Tight pants remind me all day of what a TOTAL FAILURE I am. So, not sleeping is not helping my day. I found two gray hairs this morning that I had to pull out. I realize that these problems are miniscule compared to real problems like cancer and nuclear crises, etc, but I am having a really hard time focusing today and would like to go home and lay in bed. I can’t because I have scheduled fraud interviews and a presentation to give at work. Also we are still using the sucky sleep number bed that I don’t want to lay on. I hope vacation gets here fast, although I’m sure when I get home none of my pants will fit if I eat one too many tacos or have a pina colada on vacation! ARGH.  

Dear Sleep Blog,

I have slept like a baby every night for the last 6 nights. Thank God. I have been taking 150mg Trazodone, 2 benadryl, and 10mg Celexa.

I slept like a baby again last night. On the couch. Jesse has been going to bed in the bedroom the last few nights. I fell asleep around 9pm. I even decided to go to sleep, laid down and closed my eyes (with sleep mask and with ear plugs) and actually fell asleep (instead of falling asleep while reading or watching tv). At least I am sleeping more nights than not. Still super excited about the new mattress that's on the way :-)

Wednesday. I was exhausted yesterday due to not sleeping well the night before, and it was all I could do to make myself stay up until about 8pm. I fell asleep reading on the couch shortly after 8pm. I woke up once around 10:30pm to pee and take my contacts out and went right back to sleep. I woke up one more time to pee but I didn’t check the clock. Then I went right back to sleep again until my alarm went off at 5:30am. I didn’t work out last night. I tried to stay relaxed to get a good night’s sleep since I had a big day scheduled at work today. The presentations have been rescheduled due to the snow/ice storm. I am just happy not to be exhausted.

Well, I made it 5 nights sleeping well. Last night (Monday) I did not sleep well at all. I worked out (ran 3 miles) after work (at about 5pm), made dinner, and Jesse and I watched a movie (The Fighter). I could tell during the movie that I wasn't going to be able to fall asleep. I had this feeling of being kind of revved up in my chest. I dont know if it was from running or running to army cadence that was stuck in my head or just not being tired, but I knew i wasn't going to fall asleep after the movie so i read for a while, til about 11:30, but still couldn't really fall asleep after that. I drifted in and out and got up to pee every hour or so til about 4am when I finally fell asleep until 6am. Very tired today. Left work early and went mattress shopping since this situation with me sleeping on the couch is not working out very wel for us. I found one but we won't be able to pick up until after we get home from Mexico. I guess that means 3 more weeks sleeping on the couch. I actually find the couch comfortable but it has basically turned the house into a studio apartment and we are getting on each other's nerves a lot more now.

It's Sunday. I have slept fine the last few nights. Slept for about 10 hours Friday night but only 8 on Saturday. Made a conscious effort not to sleep more than that so I can fall asleep tonight. Going shopping for a new mattress today in hopes of sleeping in the bedroom again.

Wednesday. I slept great last night. I was tired of course and I laid down on the couch about 8:50pm. I read for a few minutes and then fell asleep with the lamp on and Jesse watching a movie. I did have my ear plugs in. Reading seems to help me fall asleep more than watching tv. I slept 9 hours. I only got up once to pee, around midnight, and I felt so much more rested than I had all day yesterday that I thought it was like 4am but when I discovered it was only midnight and I had 6 more hours to sleep I was sooo happy.

It’s Tuesday. I have not slept well the last two nights. I have not been able to fall asleep when I want to. I have still be sleeping on the couch. I think this may have to do with adjusting to daylight savings time but I’m not sure. Whatever the reason, it’s annoying and I am crabby.

Sunday Morning. Still sleeping on the couch. I slept well last night. I even took my contacts out and read with the flashlight. Til last night I had been falling asleep with my contacts in because taking them out felt like making a "decision" to go to sleep and I was afraid of feeling pressured to fall asleep and then not being able to sleep. But last night I fell asleep reading with my glasses on. Slept about 9 hours. Yay!

It's Saturday. I slept well last night. We are both still sleeping on the couches. I was able to fall asleep when I decided to. I put in my ear plugs and put on my sleep mask and fell asleep even while Jesse was still awake and had the light on. I think it was about 10:30pm when I went to sleep. I got up to pee a couple times but slept well until 7:30am. I could've continued to sleep but I didn't want to sleep 12 hours and then not be able to sleep at night like last weekend. I was up for a couple hours in the morning reading the paper and surfing the internet and then i laid back down on the couch to read and doze off but Jesse didn't let me sleep for long cuz I said I again I didn't want to have another night like last weekend. I finally got off the couch and went to get some coke zero so i could have some caffeine and wake up cuz right then all i wanted to do was lay on the couch all day. I ate too much junk food and then worked out. Here's hoping that this good sleep continues. I am very thankful to have had 4 good nights of sleep in a row :-)

TGIF!!! I slept great last night, almost 9 hours. I went to sleep on the couch a little after 9pm. Got up a while later to pee. Slept til 4:15am when I woke up feeling pretty awake but had to pee. I laid back down on the couch and my mind started to wake up but I thought really hard about my breathing and fell back asleep until my alarm went off at 5:45am. I feel so good and rested today and so excited about having slept well 3 nights in a row that I feel like having a party!

It’s Thursday, the next best thing to Friday. I slept through the night again last night! Yippeee!!! That’s two nights in a row! That hasn’t happened in 2 weeks. Jesse and I both slept on the couches again. I fell asleep early, about 9:30pm, basically about 1 second after Jesse turned the light off. I got up once to pee after like an hour and a half and then I slept all night. I was even waking up a little bit right before my alarm went off. I can’t even remember the last time that happened. I felt decent at first in the morning but while I was sitting through some training at work this morning I developed a terrible headache. I felt a little better after I ate lunch but the headache didn’t go away even after I took some aleve. It has finally gotten mostly better after my afternoon snack. I don’t know what the deal is. Other random health notes, my elbow has been feeling better, my eye has stopped twitching, but I was INSANELY bloated yesterday, last night, and still this morning. I took 4 gas-ex between dinner and breakfast. I pooped 3 times today already. Weird. I have been remembering to take my prenatal vitamins. I have been working out very regularly this week thanks to Jesse. The only day I didn’t work out was Tuesday. I am still taking 10mg Celexa, 2 benadryl, and what is probably 135-140mg trazodone. The pills are 100mg. I take a whole one, then the better part of a ¼ of one. In the past when I’ve taken 150mg I have woken up very nauseous in the middle of the night, so I don’t want to take that much. I have no plans to reduce my Celexa further until I have a couple weeks of consistent good sleep under my belt.  

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

I slept really well last night. Jesse and I both slept on the couches again. I was feeling really tired and a little depressed last night until I finally got home and had something to eat. I worked 10 minutes late, went to the bank, went to the hospital to visit H and her new baby, then went to Jacque’s house with Jesse to talk about remodeling stuff. Finally got home at almost 8pm. I had something to eat and watched some Seinfeld. At about 9pm I felt like I could go to sleep if I wanted to, so I took my pills (no change since night before) and laid down on the couch about 9:20pm. I watched tv for a few minutes and then fell asleep. I slept for about an hour before getting up to pee and then I fell back asleep again. I woke up around 2am to pee again. I felt my mind starting to wake up when I laid back down but tried to force myself not to think about anything that would keep me awake and I was able to fall back asleep. I was still sleeping when my alarm went off at 5:35am (I had to go to work early today). I felt like I could’ve continued to sleep for hours, but after I got up and took a shower I felt pretty good. Yay Sleep!

Other notes, my eye has stopped twitching. I am feeling fat though. Definitely gained back all the weight I lost in January. My pants are irritating me. Didn’t work out last night due to no time and won’t have time tonight since Jacque is coming over for dinner, but should have time tomorrow.  

Tuesday March 8, 2011

Slept like crap again last night. Jesse and worked out after work and then had dinner. He wasn’t feeling well and fell asleep on the couch around 7pm. I stayed up doing stuff until about 9pm when I took my pills (10mg celexa, 125mg Trazodone, 2 benadryl) and then I laid down on the couch watching Seinfeld. I did drift off for about half an hour before I woke up to pee and then fell back to sleep for about another half hour. Then I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep. I turned off the tv and tried to sleep but I couldn’t. I felt tense about falling asleep and like I had the same couple of thoughts stuck in my head. I laid there for a while but finally woke Jesse up and told him I couldn’t sleep. This was about 1am. He turned on some music that we picked out from you tube that I found relaxing and then he held my hand for a while and I did feel more relaxed and eventually fell back asleep around 2am. Was sound asleep when my alarm went off at 5:50am. When I was awake around 1am I was on the verge of a breakdown, crying about why am I doing this. This is so frustrating. We did try some muscle relaxing exercises but I don’t know if they helped or not. Mostly it helps to get my mind off whatever I am thinking about, which is why I think reading or tv helps sometimes, but if I’m not sleepy then reading or tv just wakes me up more. I am trying not to lose hope about this and am very thankful for Jesse waking up to help me sleep. I sure hope I sleep better tonight as tomorrow at work I have to give a couple hour long presentations and I don’t want to feel like a zombie.

Monday March 7, 2011. I slept well last night. I fell asleep on the couch watching Seinfeld with Jesse around 9pm. He woke me up at about 9:30 and told me to go to bed. I went to bed but didn’t feel like I was going to fall asleep so I went back to the couch to watch more Seinfeld. I fell asleep probably within half an hour. Got up once to pee and went right back to sleep. Still sound asleep when my alarm went off at 5:50am. 10 mg Celexa, 125 Trazodone, 2 benadryl.

In general I am feeling fat and obsessing about my pants. Of course this is because I binge ate last weekend and feasted on DQ cake during the week and the week before that at the union conference I did nothing but eat junk food. But I worked out on Saturday and Sunday though and will work out Tuesday & Thursday of this week so hopefully that will help. I am totally going to need to buy new capris & shorts this year. I guess that’s ok. The capris that I have been wearing I bought in like 2006, so it’s probably time for some new summer clothes anyway. Still, I wish I was buying smaller ones. Oh well. One day at a time. Trying to eat healthier, exercise more, and get enough sleep!

Ok it's Sunday. This weekend has been mixed. After a completely exhausting week of troubled sleep and overtime work, I slept like a baby Friday night, from 11pm til 11am Saturday morning. I even slept in the bed instead of on the couch. I only got up once to pee, at 5am and went right back to sleep. I woke up again at 8am but went back to sleep until 11am. I had tons of energy all day and got tons of stuff accomplished. I had all sorts of plans for today, but apparently the universe thinks one night of good sleep per week is enough for me cuz last night was a disaster. I felt sleep around 11pm and tried to go to bed. I read in bed for a little while but when I laid down to sleep there was no way it was going to happen. I laid there for an hour or so and then got up and went out to the couch. I watched a couple episodes of true blood and didn't really fall asleep until about 3am. I know I slept a little because I remember having a dream, but it wasn't very restful sleep. I woke up a lot and i woke up pretty early in the morning and never went back to sleep. I am tired and frustrated today. I worked out this afternoon but mostly only because Jesse worked out too and kind of forced me to. I mean not forced forced but you know what I meant. I had a little more energy after that for a while but after taking a hot shower I feel ready to go to bed now. I can't though because we are meeting Karen and Lloyd for dinner at 5:30pm. I hope I sleep better tonight. This is so frustrating. It doesn't seem to help to take more trazodone or benadryl. I dont know why I couldn't sleep last night. Maybe because I slept too much the night before, but I was so exhausted from not sleeping well all week that I needed to catch up. Argh. Here's hoping for tonight.

It’s Friday. I am feeling much better than Wednesday and Thursday. I was really tired yesterday but I made dinner anyway. I made something new that was kind of a lot of work, or more work than I expected it to be, and jesse didn’t really like it but I thought it was pretty good. Anyway I dozed off on the couch for 15 minutes around 8pm or so while Jesse was watching a movie but then I got up and was wide awake again. I slept on the couch again. I watched TV til I got a little sleepy. I was able to fall asleep pretty much right away after I turned the TV off and I slept pretty well all night. I got about 6.5 hours of sleep. I did take extra trazodone and Benadryl last night again.

Thursday. I worked 10 hours yesterday, partly because I need the money, partly because I have a lot of work to do, and partly because I knew if I went home as scheduled (which still would have left me with a 9 hour day because of going in early) I wouldn’t do anything productive anyway. I probably shouldn’t have worked so long. By the time I got home I was in tears and had a few minor breakdowns in the evening. I was so tired after my 3^rd day of about 4 hours of sleep per night. I fell asleep on the couch watching true blood at like 8pm but Jesse woke me up so I could take my pills and go to bed. By the time I laid down in bed my mind was on again, thinking about falling asleep of course, and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep. I got up and went back to the couch and watched more true blood. I fell asleep on the leather couch watching true blood (well I did actually turn the tv off eventually) around 11 or so and I did sleep most of the night. I woke up a few times but fell back asleep. I think the reason I was able to sleep was that I just told myself that if I couldn’t sleep that night I would go back to taking 15mg of Celexa the next day. Making that decision (or at least telling myself that) made me feel more relaxed. Anyway I was still sleeping when my alarm went off at 5:55am. I feel tired but not crazy tired like last night.

Oh – I should add that I took 125mg of Trazodone instead of 100 last night (which made me feel a little nauseous) and when I got up to pee at midnight I took 2 (additional) benadryl.

I did take a prenatal vitamin last night. I had to pee a ton after that but I don’t know if it had to do with the vitamin or just that I drank orange juice. OJ always makes me have to pee.

My eye is still twitching.

I have several canker sores that really hurt.

This blog sounds really complainy but I guess the whole reason I created it was to document any sleeping/health issues I have, so that’s mostly what it’s about.

Well it’s Wednesday. I went to bed last night about 10pm and read until I fell asleep. I must have fallen asleep reading since when I woke up to pee at 2:30am my glasses were still on. I felt really tired when I woke up and was thinking great, I should be able to go right back to sleep but when I went back to bed after going to the bathroom I never fell back asleep. I laid there for about an hour and then I got up and went out to the couch. I couldn’t fall back asleep there either. After a little while I tried reading but that didn’t really make me tired either. I did close my eyes for a little while but at about 5am I just got up and got ready for work.

I don’t know why I can’t fall back asleep. That’s two nights in a row. I wasn’t thinking stressful thoughts or anything. When I laid back down last night just random thoughts kept popping into my head, about the book I am reading or about the vacation I’m planning or just about whatever random thing. I wasn’t thinking negative thoughts or obsessing about any one particular thing. I did feel upset when I was getting ready for work because I am afraid of going down the same path as last fall when I didn’t sleep hardly at all for like 6 weeks. It might have been a month. Or two. I don’t remember because it felt like ETERNITY. I need to read that book about insomnia and find some techniques to shut my mind off and fall asleep. I try things like thinking of positive thoughts and things I am thankful for, which helps me not be negative about not falling asleep, but it doesn’t make me fall asleep.  

This makes three nights in a row I have not slept enough. I haven’t even really felt that tired in the morning. I felt better this morning than yesterday morning because I didn’t fall back asleep. I feel worse when I fall back asleep like 45 minutes before I have to get up and am then sound asleep when my alarm goes off. I don’t know how many more nights I can make it like this before feeling really tired though.

I have noticed that last night and Sunday night I wasn’t really tired when I initially went to bed. Sunday I had trouble falling asleep but when I fell asleep I stayed asleep. Last night I fell asleep reading but then had trouble staying asleep. I don’t know why I couldn’t stay asleep on Monday night because I was exhausted from working out when I went to bed. I thought maybe it was the workout or the prenatal vitamin that kept me from sleeping the whole night through but I didn’t work out or take the vitamin last night.

So, as far as getting off the celexa goes, when I was on 20mg I almost never had any trouble sleeping. For the month I was on 15 mg (January) I did not have any trouble sleeping. Since reducing to 10mg on 2/1/11 I have had significant trouble sleeping 6 out of 29 nights. I still have not made any changes to the Trazodone or Benadryl.

Also, I have noticed that I only have trouble sleeping on work nights. I have not had any problems sleeping on the weekends.

Ok so it’s March 1^st. It’s been a month (well technically 4 weeks since February is short) since I reduced my Celexa from 15mg to 10mg. It was my original plan to reduce to 5mg today but I’m going to wait another week and a half. The last month has been so-so. I have not slept well the past two nights. Last night I had no problem falling asleep but I woke up at 2:30 and laid there for an hour before getting up and going out to the couch and then it took me probably another hour before I fell back asleep again. The only things that were different were that I worked out last night and it was later than normal, although I was done by 6pm, and I took a prenatal vitamin with dinner. Not sure if either of those things would have had any effect on my sleep. The night before, on Sunday, I had trouble falling asleep. I went to bed with Jesse around 10pm and read for a while but I wasn’t tired. I tried to fall asleep for a while but I couldn’t. I got up and went out to the couch after about an hour. Then it took me probably til midnight to fall asleep. I slept ok the rest of the night. Last Wednesday I had that night I couldn’t sleep because of being mad at my sister in law and also because of too much caffeine. A week or two before that I had a couple nights I couldn’t sleep because of obsessing about all the drama at work with the stupid governor and the stupid budget. So that makes 5 nights in February that I had trouble sleeping. So anyway, I am going to wait another week and a half to reduce my meds again. Partly to try to be more stable and also because last time I reduced them I was really nauseous for a day and a half and I’d rather wait until the weekend in case that happens again because I can’t be missing work all the time.

Well I haven't written for a while. For the most part I have been sleeping pretty well. Wednesday night I didn't sleep well, but I think that was a combination of having drank a lot of coke zero before bed, being really mad at my obnoxious, immature sister in law (thanks to an uncalled for nasty phone call from her) and being away from home (staying at a hotel in the dells for a union conference). I find that I really have to make an effort to control what I think about because if I am at all upset about anything I start obsessing about it and then can't sleep. Anyway today is my birthday and it has been a really good day so far. Yesterday I had a really fun day with Julia shopping in the cities and also had a lot of fun at Tim's house for the fights. Today and yesterday have been much better than the past two weeks. I have really been making an effort not to read or talk about all the political drama. I'm sure some people would frown on this but I can't let myself obsess about it or I get really angry, depressed, and can't sleep. Anyway also the dr said I can start taking prenatal vitamins. I think I start on 3/1. I hope they don't make me sick!

Thursday. I slept better last night. I was really stressed out and depressed all day yesterday because of all this crap at work. When I got home Jesse and I laid down to take a nap but I couldn’t fall asleep because I felt like there was this all consuming, ever present thought in my head about this budget stuff. It wasn’t like running thoughts, just like a presence or a cloud. I decided I absolutely have to stop this. Just saying to myself “stop thinking about it” doesn’t do any good. I have to replace those thoughts with other thoughts. So I began making a huge effort to think about positive things instead. It did help me get into a better mood and I was able to fall asleep and sleep all night (just got up once to pee).

Wednesday. Yesterday was a stressful day. This stuff at work about the budget bill is really weighing me down. Everyone talks about it non-stop at work. I went to a protest yesterday. Got in a Facebook argument about it with someone about it. Jesse and I argued about it when I got home. I didn’t sleep well because I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I feel like a cloud has been hanging over me since last Friday when this was all announced. I was in a bad mood although Jesse tried to cheer me up by watching a movie with me. I tried to go to bed around 9:30. I read til I got drowsy but when I put my book down I couldn’t fall asleep. Laid there til about 11pm when Jesse traded me the couch for the bedroom and I tried to sleep on the couch. Still couldn’t fall asleep. Read for a little while and as soon as I tried to read I got tired again so I turned the light off and tried to sleep but all the thoughts about the budget stuff came back. Tried to read some more and was able to fall asleep after getting more drowsy after reading a few pages. But I had to make a conscious effort to stop thinking about it. Started naming things in my head to be thankful for. I had kind of a fitful sleep, woke up several times, not to pee or anything. I did feel in somewhat of a better mood when I woke up those times than I did when I was first trying to fall asleep. Made up my mind not to spend the day thinking about all of this, but of course we had a meeting at 8am today for an hour to talk about the all the changes that are/could be coming, with people going on about how next year, next budget, whatever we should expect pay cuts, etc. What the F do I work here for anyway? Now I’m probably going to have to look for a new job, because I know I am not to be happy working at a place where I know I’ll never get ahead no matter how hard I work. I am just so disappointed in all of this when I finally got a job that I like better and can be happy with. I am kind of holding back tears at my desk now.

Tuesday. Did not get enough sleep last night. Went to bed at a good hour and fell asleep reading. Woke up to pee at about 11:30pm. Checked to see if Jesse had fallen asleep and needed to be woken up to come to bed but he was still up. I went back to sleep with no problem until Jesse came in and threw his blanket on top of me. I woke up then and couldn’t fall back to sleep because he laid down and started snoring. Was awake for about an hour and a half before I got up and went out to the couch.  It took me a while to fall back asleep on the couch. Even after I woke Jesse up and he stopped snoring I couldn’t fall back asleep because I was afraid he’d start snoring again and I couldn’t stop thinking about how on earth I will ever get any sleep once we have kids because obviously I won’t be able to sleep with ear plugs then and even with ear plugs in Jesse’s snoring keeps me awake. So I laid awake envisioning nights of getting up to feed and check on a baby, laying back down to try to sleep and being kept awake by snoring.  Got up to a full day of crap dealing with our stupid governor’s ideas about our budget and everyone (including me) being angry about it, going to a protest, bitching someone out on facebook, and arguing with jesse about all of it after I got home. I am in a bad mood, close to tears, and fearful that I won’t be able to sleep again tonight.

Hello Monday.

I have slept fine the past few nights. Friday night we went out to eat and I was really full and had two drinks and went to bed at like 10pm. I slept til almost 10am. Saturday I went to bed laid, at like 1am because I had gone out to a bday party (although I wanted to be home much earlier. Oh well). I got up around 9:30 on Sunday. Felt tired on Sunday. Went to sleep about 10pm Sunday night, woke up about 5:20am today. Didn’t go back to sleep but laid in bed til 6am.

Have been in kind of a bad mood the last several days due to stuff that’s going on at work with benefit cuts amounting to pay cuts, etc. It is really stressing me out. Like the kind where you wake up from sleeping and for a minute can’t remember that you were upset about something but then you remember what it was. Saturday I got really angry about it, then chopped onions for food while I was mad and ended up cutting my finger kinda bad. Oh well, that’s what I get for not paying attention to what I was doing and having an immature fit. Of course after I started bleeding all over I had a major emotional meltdown, more due to pay cuts than my finger. Was exhausted all day from my emotional outbursts. Felt kind of down by Sunday evening. Feeling better today but still getting stressed out by the constant news/drama/conflict of what’s going on with the governor and the unions, etc.

Made an appt with the doctor next week to follow up on the reduction in my anti depressants and also discuss weird spots/skin stuff by my eye (I hope it’s not cancer), and also that I am 99% sure I have tennis elbow, that my eye has not stopped twitching for almost three weeks now, taking prenatal vitamins and getting pregnant this summer.

It’s Thursday. Payday. Yay! I am in a pretty good mood today. I went to bed early again, around 9:30pm. I slept fine and woke up this morning at 5:20am. I didn’t go back to sleep but laid in bed until my alarm went off at 5:50am. I got up right away and made it into work half an hour early. My neck/shoulders are extremely sore today and I have no idea why. I must’ve slept funny or something. My eye is still twitching but maybe not as much? Ok well that’s all for now.

It’s Wednesday. It has officially been a week since I reduced the Celexa from 15mg to 10mg. I have not had any problems sleeping. Last night I went to bed really early, around 8pm. I got up to go to the bathroom around 11pm and 3am and went back to sleep without problem each time. I was still sleeping when my alarm went off at 5:50am.

Yesterday I felt like I had tons of energy and just needed to find something to do (other than work of course) but then when I got home I took a hot shower and felt more relaxed. I started to feel a little bummed out though because of not having anything to do (that I actually wanted to do). I think winter is starting to get on my nerves. I want to be outside, but not when it’s -10. I want it to be nice outside so I can walk the dog and run outside and ride the four wheeler in the yard.

Also, I need a project. I have booked the trip to Cancun but that’s two months away. I decided which car I want to buy but that’s at least a year away until I can really even start looking for one to buy. We are going to get pregnant, but probably not for at least 6 months. I need something to research and plan.

On a good note, I have lost a little weight. Two people have commented about it to me. My jeans are also fitting noticeably better. I am enjoying that, but pretty much still think constantly about eating. I want to binge on brownie mix, cookie dough, peanut butter blossom cookies, papa johns pizza, candy, and a giant steak. Oh, and some more of that lasagna from olive garden would be nice too! Oh well, not today!  

Overall though I am feeling good. I made three actual meals this week, with actual ingredients, not from a box or the freezer.

Ok it’s Tuesday now. I am feeling very antsy today. Not anxious, just like the day is going by slowly and I don’t feel like being at work or working on any of the stuff I’m supposed to be doing. There’s nothing I have in mind that I would like to be doing instead, other than just wasting time at home doing whatever I want. I slept fine again last night. Fell asleep reading in bed about 10:15 or so. Woke up once to go to the bathroom and then I work Jesse up to come to bed because he fell asleep on the couch. I was sound asleep when my alarm went off at 5:50am. Laid there for ten minutes or so before getting up. Felt plenty rested once I got over my usual “don’t want to get out of bed and what excuse can I possibly make up so as not to have to go to work today or to be able leave early” phase. My eye is still twitching. I need to make an appt for a physical. I want to the talk to the doctor about my tennis elbow, my eye twitching, the weird white spots around my left eye that look like they should be zits I can pop but they aren’t, when I should start taking prenatal vitamins.

Ok, it’s Monday 2/7/11. I went to bed about 9:45pm last night and read til about 10:30pm. I didn’t fall asleep reading. I put my book down and took my glasses off and laid down. I fell asleep with no problem. Woke up around 4:45am to pee and could have probably gotten up then but I just can’t ever convince myself to get up earlier than I have to, especially to go to work. Fell back asleep for another hour and got up about 10 minutes after my alarm went off. After my initial “I don’t wanna get up” haze I felt pretty rested. All indications are that I will be able to sleep with only 10mg of Celexa. Yay! I haven’t been nauseous since last Thursday. Have had more energy. My eye is still twitching though.

Well it's Sunday. I slept well again last night. About 9 hours. I have had a lot of energy this weekend. I dont know if it has to do with the change in medication or if it's just that I have finally grown sick of laying on the couch all the time, but I have been doing productive stuff for the first time in weeks. I did laundry, worked out (only a little but better than nothing) went grocery shopping, got papers ready for taxes, bagged up newspapers and plastic bags for recycling, cleaned out my desk, baked a coffee cake, finished my book and started another one, etc. I'm kinda bored now. Jesse is going to his brother's to watch the super bowl. I am not bored enough to watch football ;-)

It's Saturday. Last night I went to bed around 11pm and I didn't get up til 10am today. I actually woke up feeling rested about 7am but I went back to sleep anyway. I slept well. I had a headache yesterday afternoon but took some aleve and ate and it went away. I haven't been nauseous since Thursday. I feel like my dreams have been more active. Jesse said I screamed in my sleep the other night. I don't remember that but I do remember throwing something in my sleep last night. I don't think I actually threw anything, but just kind of sitting up and moving my arm like I was throwing something.

It’s finally Friday. I went home sick from work on Thursday at around 11:15. I felt really nauseous the entire morning. Ate and laid down on the couch. Just laid there on the couch for a couple hours. I think I finally fell asleep around 3pm and woke up at 5pm when Jesse got home. I was having dreams that I was basically delirious and thinking people were there who were not there. Also dreamed that I was really hot, but I was really hot when I woke up. Anyway I got up and did stuff around the house for a few hours and went back to sleep about 10pm. I slept really well and woke up a few minutes before it was time to get up. I don’t feel nauseous today. My left eye is still twitching and itches. I have a headache now. But in general I feel much better than yesterday, physically.  

Ok so it’s Thursday morning. Tuesday night I switched from 15mg Celexa to 10mg. I have slept fine the last two nights, but I have been feeling really nauseous since about 7pm last night (Wednesday night). I felt nauseous when we were watching a movie on Netflix and I felt nauseous when I got up to pee in the night and I have felt nauseous since getting up this morning. I also have a weird random pain in the top of my earlobe and my left eye has been twitching for a week. I don’t think either of those things have to do with the medication though. They are just adding to my general complaints for the day. I have also had some digestive issues and have not been pooping like normal. I have felt extremely bloated after eating, even though I am not eating a lot. I don’t know if it’s something to do with the meds, or if I am eating too much because I am getting used to eating less in general so the stuff that was just enough two weeks ago is now too much, but it’s really out of whack and this morning before I woke up I was dreaming about pooping. Nice. Anyway, sleep has been ok but in general I am not feeling very good physically today.

Ok well it’s Tuesday, February 1^st. Tonight I will switch from 15mg of Celexa down to 10mg. I have been on 15mg since January 1^st. I haven’t really had any changes in my sleep since switching from 20mg to 15mg. I haven’t noticed many changes in my mood either. Maybe I have been a little moodier but it’s hard to say if that was due to such a small change in medication. Anyway I have been sleeping well for the last month on 15mg so hopefully I will continue to sleep well on 10mg (plus trazodone).  

It's tuesday. We both slept on the couches again last night. I can't remember if I fell asleep watching tv or not. I slept all night til I woke up around 5:30 and had to pee so bad that I just got up. I stayed up since Jesse was already up too. Went into work half an hour early today and worked an hour and a half late. saving up for the RAV4 and the vacation :-)   Also got my period today for the first time since Sept, since I had just been taking my BC pills continously. I dont know if it had anything to do with the pills or not but Sunday I was incredibly sick to my stomaching, like pissing out my ass so much it hurt sick and I had a horrible headache all day and night too. I've been feeling fine since Monday though. Booked a trip to Cancun and have a prospective car to check out tomorrow. So far it has been a good week.

It's Monday. I slept on the leather couch last night and Jesse slept on the green couch. I slept fine except I had nightmares. Jesse woke me up from them and I fell back asleep right away. Went to bed around 10pm. Woke up about 5:15am feeling rested but got up to pee and laid back down til my alarm went off at 5:50am. Hit snooze once and then got up. Feel rested today.

Well it's Sunday morning. I have been sleeping well all week. I haven't been using the humidifier and that doesn't seem to matter. A couple nights a fell asleep on the couch watching tv and slept there for a while and had no trouble going back to sleep when I got up and went to bed. Last night I slept on the couch from 11:30pm - 3:30am without even taking any medication. I could have gone back to sleep on the couch after that but I wanted to be able to sleep in in the morning and knew i wouldn't be able to sleep there once the sun came up or if Jesse got up before me so I just went to bed. Slept til about 8:30am or so. Feeling good.

It's Monday. I am still off work. I have slept well the past few nights, probably more than I should. I slept about 9.5 - 10 hours. Car accident on Friday stressed me out. My neck hurt all day Saturday so I laid on the couch the entire day watching True Blood and then when Jesse left to watch the Packer game at Jason's I watched Seinfeld and fell asleep. I have been sleeping well pretty much every night unless Jesse's snoring wakes me up but even then I am able to fall back asleep when he stops or goes out to the couch. My mood has been ok considering. January has been pretty annoying so far. Car accident sucked and even though the guy was insured it is still going to cost us money we hadn't planned on spending for a car plus our insurance cost will be more if we buy something even slightly more valuable that we want something besides liability coverage on. My payment for my blackberry phone was reversed on paypal so I'm still waiting to see if I'm getting screwed out of $45. My FBMC debit card quit working and I have to wait up to 5 days to find out why since I dont have whatever PIN they wanted when I called I had to send my question by email, but I might end up getting screwed out of almost $40 there. Jesse's computer is on it's last days and the snowblower broke down. All signs are that we are not going on a vacation any time soon, unless we get some sort of stellar tax return, and that is pretty questionnable since this is the first year we will be filing married/joint returns. UGH. On the plus side, I am feeling a little thinner. Not a lot, but a little, like changing my eating habits may be starting to work. I haven't pigged out this weekend although I don't think I acheived any sort of calorie deficit. I haven't worked out either. I really, really don't feel like doing anything today or tomorrow but Steph is coming over to try on my "thin" clothes to see if she can find anything for her cruise, I have an appt to get my hair colored, and I need to shop for used cars. UGH.

It's Friday and I have the day off work. Yay! Actually I am off work til next Wednesday :-)  I am in a good mood today and slept lots last night. I laid down on the couch to watch tv at about 7:30pm but I got sleepy and started dozing off. Went to bed around 9 but couldn't fall asleep right away so I read until I fell asleep. I woke up once to pee and then woke up at 5:40 feeling very awake and rested. I stayed in bed though and eventually fell back asleep until about 8:30am and then I got up. I'm working on my photo scanning project now and in an hour I am leaving to go get a massage :-)

It’s Thursday. I am in a good mood today as I slept well last night and I have the next 5 days off work. Hopefully I can manage not to binge eat all weekend! I did not work out last night. My legs were tired and sore still and I needed a night off. I went to bed to read about 8:30pm and read til I fell asleep. Alarm went off at 5:40am and I only hit the snooze once. Walking after work tonight with Julia. Oh and last night I managed to not eat anything after 6pm. I have to stop this feeling I have like I need to be constantly eating something.

I went to bed at 9pm last night. Was really tired. I fell right asleep. Woke up around 12am to pee. Fell right back asleep. Woke up around 4:30am feeling rested but went back to bed and slept until my alarm went off at 5:40am. In a better mood today than yesterday. Still feeling a little bit down but not as bad as yesterday. Kept busy at work and only thought a little about my fat thighs.

Ok it's still Tuesday and this has nothing to do with sleep but with my mood in general. I just got off the treadmill pretty much in tears because when i was walking on it during my cool down for my half ass 1.5 mile run that i did when i said (to myself) that i was going to run 3 miles I could feel my thighs touching each other. I always gain weight in my butt/thighs and my face although now i have a tummy too and i've never had that before. The more weight i gain the further down my thighs touch. I cannot even express how much this repulses me. It is an all day constant reminder that i have gained weight and i feel like such a fucking loser for gaining weight. I haven't been able to think about anything but my fat ass thighs all day because the jeans i wore were tight around my thighs and i just bought them two months ago and while i suppose it's no surprise to gain weight over the holidays and it happens to most people I still just feel like such a miserable complete fucking failure for letting myself gain weight. I knew i was going to gain weight because of the insane amount of cookies i was eating and also because i was just generally overeating and eating til i was absolutely stuffed all the time but the thing is that I do not have a scale and if I did i probably wouldn't use it anyway because seeing that i gained even half a pound causes me to have a total nervous breakdown so anyway i don't really monitor my weight other than by how my clothes feel and it takes a few weeks for me to see/feel the repercussions of all that junk food/overeating and then it feels like it came on all at once and i can't stand the way i look or feel or how my clothes fit. I have literaly spent like 90% of the day thinking about my thighs. the thought never went away. When i was in the conference room setting up training stuff i was thinking about it. when i was in boss's office trying to cross my legs i was thinking about it. when i was sitting on the toilet i was thinking about it. I feel like my f'ing thighs are always going to be ugly. I hate myself for caring about it. I remember my mom being obsessed with her thighs and always looking at them in the mirror and constantly doing leg exercises and trying to make them look better but they never really looked good. i mean i only remember what they looked like when she was in her mid 40s and she was really in pretty good shape and worked out almost every day, sometimes twice a day, and constantly watched what she ate and yet never had nice thighs. is this going to be my fate? It won't matter how much i diet or exercise I will just have a saggy, bumby butt and fat ass thighs for the rest of my life? Why do i waste my time working out? I know i have been making progress working out as i have increased my weights on a lot of the exercises i do and yesterday I made it way further into my kettlebell dvd than i ever have and am not even as sore today. plus i have done some type of work out every day for the last 4 days, more on saturday and monday than on Sunday and today, but still it's something and i have plans to walk with julia on thursday and i have been really good about eating healthier and i have not had one single piece of junk food at work and have really improved a lot on what i eat at home although not as much as i need to. I know i should be more positive. I think it's really fucking unfair that jesse ate just as many cookies as i did and probably more and his pants still fit. I hate myself for having no self control and for caring about this and for being negative like this when I should be being positive. I dont know if this breakdown is because i didn't get enough sleep last night or because i decreased my meds but i dont think either of those things is helping anything because i am sitting at the kitchen table crying about my thighs touching each other when everything in my life is really the best its ever been and yet all i can think about it is my thighs. i need to stop being so ungrateful. I just think i would be happier if i were thinner and i also think that i lack the willpower to get thinner and i also fear that i will get pregnant and gain a whole bunch of weight that i'll never lose and i'll turn into one of those out of shape people who i never wanted to be. i am even putting off going to cancun on vacation because i dont think my shorts fit and i am afraid i will look gross in my swim suit and fat in the pictures and that i will eat too much when i am there and gain more weight. PATHETIC.

Tuesday. I had no problem falling asleep last night. Read until I fell asleep about 10pm. Woke up about 1:45am to pee and shut off the lights. Jesse came to bed then and started snoring really loud and every time I dozed off he woke me up again. I woke him up 3 times and finally gave up and went out to the couch. Didn’t fall back asleep again until after 3am. Reset alarm for 6:00am instead of 5:50am and hit the snooze twice when it went off. Was 5 minutes late to work but that was because the roads were bad and traffic was going 20mph on 53. I am not too tired today but a little crabby because my jeans are tighter than I want them to be. I feel like I have been moody so far this week.

It’s Monday. I went to bed on time last night. Fell asleep reading right about 10pm. Got up too pee and shut the lights off about 1:45am and fell right back asleep. Still sound asleep when my alarm went off at 5:50am. Hit the snooze twice. Tired and crabby today!

It's Sunday morning. I slept well last night. I slept longer than normal, about 9 hours, but I was exhausted from working out last night. I ran 2.75 miles and also lifted weights. Managed to stay up until about 11 - 11:30 but was falling asleep watching True Blood so I went to bed. Woke up once to pee around 6am and went back to sleep until 9am.

It's Saturday morning and I slept good last night. Went to bed about 11:30 and slept til 7:30. Slept good the night before too and and was in a much better mood on Friday than on Thursday, so my foul mood on Thursday was probably just due to being over tired/exhausted from working out and not due to the change in medication. Yay :-)

UGH

Ok, I’ve been slacking off about writing in this blog. The last few nights I’ve slept pretty well and have been feeling pretty rested. Except today. I slept fine last night but today I am very tired, which I am assuming is from TKD last night because I am also very sore. And very cranky. Last week I had some problems falling asleep and then I was tired the next day and didn’t feel like writing in the blog. Which is very counterproductive because that’s exactly why I started the blog, to keep track of when I don’t sleep well. Anyway, I have had some changes since the last time I wrote. On 1/11/11 I decreased my Celexa from 20mg a night to 15mg a night. This hasn’t seemed to affect my sleep at all. I also hadn’t noticed any changes in my mood until last night when I became very crabby. I am not entirely sure that has anything to do with the change in medication though. I was really tired after TKD and have been working OT this week and have not been home much and would really just like a day to relax. I was also (and still am) very frustrated with how out of shape I am and I am not entirely sure that I want to continue at TKD again because I am not sure that I am all that interested in learning (re-learning) all the stuff that goes with the fun kicking part, like forms and walking basics and blah blah blah. I also couldn’t find the same aggression in me that I used to have when free sparring and I mostly just wanted it to be done. UGH. I am tired and sore and cranky today!!

Oh I also got different pajamas and they are not as hot as the ones I had been wearing and that seems to help me be comfortable too.